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11-14-2011 @ 2:52PM
I have to say I agree, 12 hour drives are nothing to sneeze at (seriously, I make a few of those every year, and I despise them every single time I make them), he's not doing it just to hang out on a purely platonic level.That said, you need to talk about it. To her. Not the drama mammas, not random people on the internet, with her. The absolute most horrible thing for any relationship is a lack of communication. And look, I know the fear of rejection or of finding out things you didn't want to know is a HUGE deal at your age. You're young, you aren't financially or emotionally secure yet, so there's a lot of weight being carried by being able to say you're in a stable relationship. I know, I've been there.The thing is, if you don't talk about this with her, it will get worse. Even if she is totally innocent and they're just sharing Christmas cookie recipes with each other, your attitude will start to change. You'll be more suspicious, less trusting, and she WILL pick up on that, and it will drive a wedge between you.Am I saying this is going to be easy? Oh I don't think so, its going to be one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do in your life, and you'll be the luckiest SoB on earth if this is the only time you have to go through it, but the alternative is even worse. Just be prepared for answers you don't like. I'm not saying to expect them, I'm saying to be prepared for them. If she says she's cheating on you with this guy, as in physical cheating, what would your reaction be?You need to sit down with yourself first and explore all the different ways it could go, and sort your reactions to them out ahead of time so that you don't get surprised and blow up at her in the heat of the moment. You need to be cool and calm about the whole thing, and thats hard. Really freaking hard.Also, try to avoid tricks. Don't take her out to dinner and have a good time, then spring it on her out of the blue. She'll instantly see that you were trying to butter her up, and she'll resent it. Tell her you need to have a serious talk, that its probably going to take a couple of hours, and schedule it for later in the week. Give her time to think about what she's done, that extra bit of uncertainty and potential guilt will go a long ways in helping her open up. Plus, she'll know something big is coming, and won't be surprised by it.Start it off by saying you're going to talk about something she may object to, but that its very important to you for her to hear you out. Then lay out the facts. No speculation, just the facts (like "You've been talking to him for years, and he's driving cross country just to be with you"), and then explain why you are concerned. It is okay to let her know that you are feeling jealous at this point. You are worried that you might be losing her, and you don't want that to happen, and you need to know where you stand.Have a Come to Jesus moment. Ask her flat out (after you do the previous) "Is there anything going on between you that I should know about? I love you, I trust you. Please help me work this out." And again, be prepared for if she says there is something going on, and know ahead of time what you want to say so you don't say something you will regret.If you do get bad news, don't get angry. That makes it adversarial between you and her, and thats not what you want. You need to be calm, sad, dissappointed, and be the injured victim here, because you are. But also, accept responsibility that there are likely things you could have done better to prevent the situation. First, find out if you still have a relationship. Either you or she may not want to continue once its all out on the table, and thats honestly an acceptable answer. If you both want to continue, then you need to meet her half way. Ask her why. What does he do that you don't, so that you can start? Once you get that worked out, then you can lay down the ultimatum, "I don't want you to see him anymore." If she chooses to stay, then she has chosen, she can't play both sides anymore.However, if you get good news, I'm afraid you're just going to have to trust her. You can make it clear to her that you aren't comfortable with whats going on, but that you trust her not to hurt you. She may still be lying to you, but there's nothing really you can do about that, and if she knows how much it is bothering you, maybe she'll dial it back with the older guy on her own.TL;DR - Talk to her about this. Be ready for any answer she could give, stay calm, and whatever answer she gives, be ready to accept it. There is a very good chance you are about to get seriously hurt. You can take steps to make it easier, but if its coming its coming and you can't avoid it. Better to face it head on than let it blindside you later.
11-14-2011 @ 3:12PM
Too long, didnt read.Sad but true.
11-14-2011 @ 3:23PM
@edersons, you should have, edy just explained how to be a man in 10 paragraphs.
11-14-2011 @ 3:56PM
Excellent advice. Very well said. I hope that Robby reads this response.
11-14-2011 @ 4:18PM
What can I say, I'm a cult boyfriend.
11-14-2011 @ 7:59PM
I think I just wrote the same thing you did, but just a couple of hours later. Couldn't agree more... hopefully Robby will take our advice.
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