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Drama Mamas: Falsely accused of public cybersex

Drama Mamas Lisa Poisso and Robin Torres are experienced gamers and real-life mamas -- and just as we don't want our precious babies to be the ones kicking and wailing on the floor of the checkout lane next to the candy, neither do we want you to become known as That Guy on your realm.

This week's letter comes from France, which shows just how universal WoW drama is.
Dear Drama Mamas,

I recently transferred from a bottom-of-the-charts server to a high-rated one, and after a few raid as un PUG on my new server I found a guild that fitted me perfectly. I was recruited as a main tank, for Firelands and oncoming 4.3. The first weeks were idyllic: tons of raid, even with HM (I was 3/7 normal mode before my transfer). I learned a lot and worked hard to progress. I was the only woman in the guild but there wasn't a problem for me, as I consider me IG as a player and a tank above all.
Apart from the raids, I helped a lot, furnishing compos, tanking heroics and helping for achievements. I have a huge playing time and I really like helping my mates. I spent a lot of time on TS with them, discussing about the game or anything else and laughing hard. My guild was the kind of guild where you always have something in preparation and the TS is never empty. I particularly appreciated my GM, who unfortunately was about to quit WoW for a few months for professional reasons. He wanted to level a last toon before leaving and I helped him. We spent nights discussing.

The drama appeared the night before my GM left. I had spent the night IG in old raids with a mate (officer) who likes old gear and achievements as much as I do (the GM considered achievements are sh*t and worthless). We were on TS in a separate channel but anyone could join and even come with us IG. We came back in Orgrimmar for a break, me showing him the new dresses I had found. We played with Dalaran fireworks and got our toons drunk. Nothing bad, you'll tell me. Then the GM came IG with a former member of the guild and accused us of having cybersex in Orgrimmar! He said that we smeared the guild tag. We tried to explain him but he would not change his mind. I was very upset and I told him he'd better kick me from the guild if he really thought I was a cyberwh*re. So he did.

When I logged on the day after, I was sure this was all misunderstanding and I would be reguilded very soon. But the GM was already gone without explaining my situation to the guild. That is to say, in this guild the GM was God, then if he kicked me was true to kick me. My friend the officer, seeing that I was very sad about all that, reguilded one of my toons so I could explain my situation. He asked me to talk with the other officers and after that my other toon would be reguilded. I found that it was unfair, as I did nothing wrong, it was simple misunderstanding, but I accepted to talk to the offs. I tried to contact them several times but they were always busy or even didn't answer.

On the week after I logged my toon who was in the guild and discovered that she had been kicked during the night. I discovered that it was my dear friend the officer who had kicked me! He explained that he had me reguilded because I was sad and it was a mistake, as he had not talked to the other offs before. He said he kicked me again to repair his mistake towards the guild.

Now I'm really desperate and I'm very angry at my friend. I do not log my toons anymore and have lost my hobby. It's so unfair! I have kept in touch with my friend the officer outside WoW and he knows how I feel. He wants to meet me IRL as we had planned before and perhaps we could start something together because we really appreciate each other but I feel so resentful towards him... For him it's past and he dont't want to hear about this guild issue anymore. He lost nothing, is still in the guild and still an officer. I'm the one who has been treated as a wh*re and lost everything.

How should I react facing this? He says he has feelings for me and he cares but he shows no compassion and decided on his own to kick me again from the guild, knowing that it would hurt me a lot. For him the issue is closed but for me it clearly isn't. He wants things from me (having a relation) and I want it too but I can't help being angry at him and I know it will be a huge shadow on our relation. Do I overreact?
LonelyTank
LisaDrama Mama Lisa: Hey there, LonelyTank, and thanks for writing in. I know Robin is going to come roaring in with guns a-blazin' on this one, so my advice for you is pretty short and sweet.

Sometimes when doors get slammed in your face -- rudely and inappropriately or not -- the best response is to get the heck away before it opens just enough again to smash your fingers (or your nose!) a second time. It's pretty obvious that sexism is in full bloom in this nasty little garden, and anything you could possibly do to clear yourself a weed-free little patch will not affect the rest. You've found the limits of friendship and acceptance with these boys -- they're only willing to play along with you when you stay inside the male box they'd like to keep you in. (You know, the one where chicks are scapegoats. ... yeah, that one.)

The same, unfortunately, goes for Mr. Friend the Officer. Oh, I'm sure he's pining to go hang out in Orgrimmar with you again, all right -- but in the meantime, he's unable to clarify his relationship and actions with you to the rest of the guild or even relay reliable information between the involved parties, despite being part of the leadership team of this guild. I know you want to like the guy, LT, but come on ... Seriously? You're still giving him the time of day?

"Do I overreact?" No, LonelyTank, you do not. Please don't waste another moment on this group of cads and their fine officer who hung you out to dry in Orgrimmar. Be good to yourself, and best of luck finding a sympatico guild.

RobinDrama Mama Robin: So Mr. Friend the Officer didn't stick up for you, didn't help you get justice, and won't talk about it -- but he wants to get romantic with you? Did I read that right? The way he is treating you before any dating is not going to improve after the first kiss. I know you say you want a relationship with him, but please, please, please take Lisa's advice and say goodbye to Mr. Friend the Officer.

It seems to me that the burden of proof was on the officers and GM, not you. As the saying goes: Screenshots, or it didn't happen. Public cybering is, by definition, public. There would have to be incriminating emotes and other easily snapshotted evidence. The GM should never have just taken someone's word for it, nor should the officers have upheld it after the GM left. And Mr. Friend the Officer should have been clear that without screenshots, you would have to be reinstated. (I'm also wondering if Mr. Friend even got a reprimand. It seems that you were the only one punished for something you both allegedly did.)

I agree that if you were participating in some public erotic roleplay, that does give a non-ERP guild a bad name. And I also agree that if proven, some reprimand should be given to the both of you. I think that unless it is written in the guild rules that one transgression equals a kick, that a warning and some probation would have been much more appropriate.

Lisa is correct about the sexism. While you thought of yourself as a tank first, they thought of you as a woman first and were probably inclined to expect drama from you accordingly. Otherwise, all of your good work as a tank would not have been thrown aside so easily.

One thing though, LonelyTank -- your ultimatum to the GM was not the right thing to do. Calmly demanding screenshots to prove your behavior would have been much better. Insisting he believe your word over someone else's without proof was wrong as was telling him to kick you otherwise. If you ever find yourself in a similar situation again (and I hope you don't), insist on a fair discussion of the situation, but not with any threats or ultimatums.

I hope your guild search is short and rewarding.

Dodge the drama and become that player everyone wants in their group with a little help and insight from the Drama Mamas. Remember, your mama wouldn't want to see your name on any drama. Play nice ... and when in doubt, ask the Drama Mamas at robin@wowinsider.com.

Filed under: Analysis / Opinion, Guilds, Drama Mamas

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