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All of the latest Mists of Pandaria newsRaid Rx: How to be the world's worst healer
by Matt Low 
Jan 27th 2012 at 6:00PM
Every week, Raid Rx will help you quarterback your healers to victory! Your host is Matt Low, the grand poohbah of World of Matticus and a founder of Plus Heal, a discussion community for healers of all experience levels and interests. Catch his weekly podcast on healing, raiding and leading, the Matticast.
Time to take a break from trying to be an awesome healer. It just feels much easier to be the best at being the bottom of the barrel. Without any concerns, you can simply play however you like with no fear. There are multiple steps on the road to being an excellent healer for your raiding guild. As you might expect, the same applies to being the worst healer.
Note: You shouldn't actually do any of these, as they're the exact opposite of the way you should be playing. I would like to add that I've seen parts of this list in action throughout the years in my experiences.
Time to take a break from trying to be an awesome healer. It just feels much easier to be the best at being the bottom of the barrel. Without any concerns, you can simply play however you like with no fear. There are multiple steps on the road to being an excellent healer for your raiding guild. As you might expect, the same applies to being the worst healer.
Note: You shouldn't actually do any of these, as they're the exact opposite of the way you should be playing. I would like to add that I've seen parts of this list in action throughout the years in my experiences.
Don't heal. Easiest step of all. Throw in DPS spells. Heck, if you have the ability to taunt the boss, do that as well. Play a different role other than what you were originally asked to do for a specific encounter. It'll be a surprise that the rest of the raid can look forward to. Keep your DoTs up, right?
Don't stay focused. Too busy playing Bejeweled on my iPhone, and I just hit 500k points -- can't pay attention. Hold on, let me build one more farm in CityVille. One sec, guys, I'm being attacked by a Baneslayer Angel in Magic: The Gathering! Let me cast Path to Exile first! While you're at it, can you keep the volume down some? I'm trying to catch up on some Community on TV here!
Consistently obsess over meters. Whether it's farm content, progression content or PvP, you should always bury your face in different healing meters. For bonus points, call the healers who do better than you try-hards and make fun of anyone else below you. Berate them and do your best to get under their skin until you're at the point where no one wants to bring you to their raids anymore because you have alienated the whole server.
Do not use your raid cooldowns. What possible difference can these 3-minute-long cooldown spells make, anyway? They only last for a few seconds, and they hardly make an impact in the grand scheme of things. You're good enough that you don't even need to rely on those abilities at any point.
Conserve your mana like crazy. Mana is like money in stocks -- the more you have, the larger the interest. Surely that mana pool is going to get larger and larger. You should be spending as little mana as possible. Rely on the other healers to do the job and get them to burn their mana instead of you. Be the guy who rides the three-seater bicycle in the back seat who doesn't pedal!
Heal just yourself. Isn't this every player for himself? All the other players have their own forms of protection abilities and self-heals. That's what bandages are for. The performance of the other players is of little concern to you. You're the most important player in the raid!
Don't worry about mana regeneration. Feel free to completely tank your mana to the point of oblivion. Even when there's still a boss standing in front of you who is using abilities that your raid manages to somehow dodge, you should still land spells unnecessarily and constantly. Forget using the different abilities you have to get mana back. They're all pointless.
Stand in everything bad. You have healing spells -- you can handle standing in all the various void zones and fires, right? Don't listen to the other raging idiots around you yelling at you to get out of that bad stuff. Don't they know who you are and what you are capable as a healer?
Heal the wrong assignments. Pick a player and go to town unloading every drop of healing spell you have. Don't follow the instructions your leaders laid out for you. What do they possibly know about healing or what the objectives in a boss fight are?
Don't do any research on your class. Use whatever spells you like. You can throw this whole efficiency business out the window. Heal whoever you want. Heal however many people as you want, regardless of what their health is. Use fast heals when the rest of your raid isn't under the imminent threat of death. Use slow heals when players are taking damage too quickly. You can tell your raid that you tried.
Don't ever buy consumables. Flasks? You don't need that stuff. Potions? Waste of gold. You shouldn't have to rely on external substances to enhance your performance in the real world. So why should you in the virtual world?
Don't ever buy enchants or gems. Augments aren't that big of a deal. You don't need the fancy leg patches or a shoulder or head enchant. They don't give that much of a boost to your stats, anyway.
The road to ruin
There are other methods on the road to becoming the worst healer on the planet. I'm sure you can come up with more ideas. Or maybe you've seen some great examples in your history of raiding.
But in all due seriousness, don't do any of these -- at least, don't do them unless you have a solid reason as to why, and it ends up being contextually relevant. While you can ultimately come up with exceptions for almost all of the above points, it takes a disciplined and skilled healer to know how and when to do it.
The worst healers are the ones who do something without truly understanding why they're doing it in the first place.
Need advice on working with the healers in your guild? Raid Rx has you covered. Send your questions about raid healing to mattl@wowinsider.com. For less healer-centric raiding advice, visit Ready Check for advanced tactics and advice for the endgame raider.
Filed under: Raid Rx (Raid Healing)
Reader Comments (Page 2 of 3)
Aaron Jan 27th 2012 7:18PM
I had a tank die in Baradin Hold, and he said he was distracted because it was New Year's Eve and he was watching the ball drop on TV. (Not sure if trolling...) The bosses take two minutes each; we could have waited if he'd given us a heads-up.
Tri Jan 28th 2012 3:42AM
Did a raid the other day, and one of our DPS accidently ran into a pack of trash mobs (in Firelands).
His response was: "Sorry, fell asleep" xD
koolguyry Jan 27th 2012 6:44PM
Step 2: Don't heal. Throw in DPS spells. Wait a sec. What about those specially specced Discipline priests that can do that though? They did some dps and healed while they did that, so does that exclude them from that step?
reth Jan 27th 2012 10:08PM
Hey, dpsing while healing can be very beneficial! Really eases hm ultra (and fights with similar dps checks like madness) and I dps all the time in between the few heals needed for heroics. I can easily pull 8k with a fire ele on my resto shaman (who has poopy gear too!).
Randomize Jan 27th 2012 8:14PM
Well, I think he's talking about pugs in places like RF raids that somehow have healer selected but did less than 3k hps on ultraxion. And yes, there are pugs that will show up, spam smite and nothing else, and wonder why people are mad.
Amanda A. Jan 27th 2012 8:17PM
That counts as healing. Same with a shaman using lightning bolt to regain mana during otherwise idle moments.
However, you should not queue as heals on, say, a ret pally for the shorter queue. I have seen this before. I've also once had a DPS sign up for LFG as tank and, after realizing he had 3 pures and a holy paladin to work with, demanded that we kick a DPS who waited in queue so we can get a real tank in....
Artemisian Jan 27th 2012 8:26PM
Of course. A/A disc priests should studiously avoid all DPS spells to make sure those talent points are entirely wasted!
Jem Jan 28th 2012 1:47AM
Did you miss the bit that mentions exceptions? Or just dive right in without really bothering to read the article in full?
We had a shaman in LFR last week that wasn't healing. At all. After the first boss, we asked why - the response was "I don't PvE, I am just here for the easy epics and VP". 20 ppl in that raid were from my guild, he didn't think he would get booted, he was mistaken.
Then there's the paladin who was berating the rest of the dps for being useless slackers cos he topped the meters. It was pointed out to him that he was in the raid as a healer so wtf did he think he was doing.
totemdeath Jan 27th 2012 6:50PM
Here is tip to show the world how bad a healer you are:
When bad things form under your feet do a '/dance' emote while half of your health ticks away. Go ahead. Show everyone just how selfishly awesome you are at healing
Nent Jan 27th 2012 7:05PM
Hmm, a new low I saw today:
Stand in the Black Blood of the Earth, die
Be Battle-rezzed
Stand in the Black Blood of the Earth again, die
Take rez sickness to continue the raid.
Nent Jan 27th 2012 7:06PM
Hmm, a new low I saw today:
Stand in the Black Blood of the Earth, die
Be Battle-rezzed
Stand in the Black Blood of the Earth again, die
Take rez sickness to continue the raid.
(repost since didn't work first time)
Ylspeth Jan 27th 2012 7:17PM
I have to admit I am guilty of forgetting potions and buff foods. Luckily, I am an alchemist who had the foresight to make a Flask of Enhancement so I never go completely unbuffed.
I used to be guilty of holding on to Guardian Spirit, Divine Hymn. and Shadowfiend too much. It was that old problem about having a spell that was "Too Good to Cast." I have since relaxed and learned to use them to supplement my healing instead of looking at them as "Oh Sh- um- Shoot" abilities.
The only ability I have not been able to mesh comfortably with is Leap of Faith. I am so used to healing toons through their damage that it never occurs to me to yank the toon to me.
Literally, the only times I have used it is to grab a flag carrier in Twin Peaks and to pull a tank into position on a botched pull. (They used charge and went past the mobs.)
I'd like some advice on how to better use this ability.
HDPriest Jan 27th 2012 8:19PM
In regards to LoF: You know that guy who just will NOT stack up/run out of the void zone/run out of the melee group when Zon'ozz is supposed to be eating the ball/etc? Use it on him. There are other good uses, but that's how I mostly use it.
Metric Feb 8th 2012 9:13AM
Flask of Enhancement is your alchemy +80 stat buff, is is not a substitute for a proper raid flask. If you use a proper raid flask like Draconic Mind, you will get 380 INT instead of 300.
Revynn Jan 27th 2012 7:10PM
We had an interesting one the other night while trying to pug a couple spots for Firelands.
After wiping, we realized that our "healer" was a Feral Druid wearing mostly cloth, gemmed for crit, spirit and agility, and DPS trinkets reforged to dodge. . .
Yup, it seems that even on nerfed and outdated content you still need to do Inspects.
Jebediah54 Jan 27th 2012 7:13PM
Tip number 4 is the hardest for me. It's not so bad in LFR when I can't rely on other healers to do anything and have to use them as panic buttons, but on fights where the raid doesn't NEED a cooldown, I find I just go without - even if it makes it a little harder on myself or others. I know it's something I need to work on, but it's probably the second weakest part of my healing game right now. The first being the reluctance to use Regrowth (it just doesn't seem worth it, a small heal with a high cost) and instead using Nourish.
Taki Jan 27th 2012 7:28PM
While I was leveling my hunter, I was grouped with a healer who was doing a fantastic job, up until one trash pull where he was late getting started. The tank went down, but the DPSers cleaned things up without too much trouble.
The healer was quite apologetic, and explained that he had been taking a hit from his bong at the moment of the pull. Other than that, I had no issues with his performance, and there were no further deaths the rest of the dungeon.
Kaphik Jan 27th 2012 8:00PM
"Consistently obsess over meters"
This CANNOT be emphasized enough! Most raid leaders don't understand healing anyway, so they just blindly pay attention to the meters. Healing meters are the worst thing to happen to raids, even many healers don't understand how to use them. I always love the meter padders who wind up OOM when the boss is at 25%.
Arbolamante Jan 27th 2012 11:10PM
Here's one -- look only at health bars, pay attention to nothing else. Nine out of ten, my mess-ups are because I was so obsessed I didn't notice the stuff I'm not supposed to stand in. Thankfully, there's the add-on GTFO. It helps, but you still have to look up from the health bars once in a while.
Arbolamante Jan 27th 2012 11:11PM
Not mean as a reply -- oh well. :)