Drama Mamas: When roleplayed love is in the air
by Robin Torres 
Feb 13th 2012 at 9:00AM
I think it is long past time for another results edition of Drama Mamas. Some letter writers have already sent me the outcome of our advice, which is always wonderful. But we could still use some more. If you have written the Drama Mamas and we have answered you in print, please send us an email at robin@wowinsider.com. We will compile the responses in a future column, once we get enough of them.
On to the drama ... This week, we have another RP romance conundrum.
Dear Drama Mamas --
I've recently started roleplaying on Wyrmrest Accord, and I really love it! It's a fun way to meet new people and really get into your character, even if I only do it somewhat-casually. However, I have an issue that I need some help with. When I first joined my roleplaying guild it was fine and dandy, but one person in particular gave me more attention than anyone else. I was fine with it, as we were in character and my character was single and all, so I flirted a bit and over time our characters started a (somewhat) romantic relationship.
Now just the other day he admitted to me that he had feelings for me, out of character! I didn't really feel the same, even though I really enjoyed playing with him both in and out of character. I told him as such, and though he seemed disappointed it ended pretty amicably. But the next day, he was completely ignoring me, as were many of the others we roleplayed with. I really liked playing with these folks, but I'm afraid that by rejecting him I've irreversibly damaged my friendship with both him and the others. Is there anything I could do to mend this or should I just wait and see?
Sincerely,
Lonely Roleplayer
Drama Mama Robin: Oh, Lonely, this is a very common story. We covered the opposite side of this before, and Lisa included some excellent resources for the lovelorn roleplayer from All the World's a Stage. Your RP boyfriend clearly didn't maintain his barriers appropriately. And now you are paying the price.I am a little curious as to why the rest of the gang are giving you the cold shoulder as well. Assuming you didn't hold anything back, your not wanting to pursue an OOC (out of character) relationship with him should not have upset everyone else. Did he misrepresent your reaction to the rest of the group? Perhaps he made up a negative story about you badmouthing them? Or is this group just so very close-knit that rejection of one means the rejection of all? We may never know ... and I think it may be irrelevant.
No, I don't think there is a way to mend the situation, and no, I don't think you should wait and see. These people don't want you in their group anymore -- probably for the wrong reasons. This reflects poorly on future dealings with them. It's time to find a different roleplaying group.
If you are really curious as to why this has happened -- which is understandable -- you could try to find out. I don't think it's a good idea, necessarily, but it may be hard to resist. If you haven't already, you could whisper your RP ex and say something like "Hey, I thought we were good. Did something change?" And if he doesn't answer you, you might send a tell to the person you feel closest to in the rest of the group and ask about the chilly attitude. Of course, if they are truly ignoring you, you won't get a response. And really, other than satisfying your curiosity, I do not think any good will come of it.
No matter what you do or where you go, I cannot recommend enough that you stay away from RP romances. At some point down the road, if you are completely certain that the other half of the couple knows how to separate the virtual from the physical, then maybe you could try again. But this is so common a story that you may just be asking for trouble. Sorry about the disappointment, and good luck in finding another fun group of players.
Drama Mama Lisa: Is it just that Love is in the Air this week, or is the sticky nature of online romance simply that hard to accept? This is fire, people -- and even the chart-singeing hellfire of a fire mage in Dragon Soul pales in comparison to the skin-peeling emotional horror you'll suffer if you keep blithely roleplaying fluffy heartsies while your partner lays down pools of suffocating romance drama at your feet.The problem is that everyone thinks he or she is exempt from the usual predicaments and entanglements of online relationships -- which of course are called usual predicaments because they're ... well ... usual. So don't feel too surprised that things turned out this way. Robin's right -- these reactions to RP romance aren't uncommon at all. And she's right about not looking back. It seems your rejection of your RP beau has stirred the hornet's nest in this group, and even if you can wait out the cold shoulder now, it's likely you'll get stung here again.
Hellfire, hornets, cold shoulders ... enough metaphors already! Get thee to a new setting or guild with due haste, young roleplayer. In the future, reserve your romantic roleplaying favors for only those champions who stand the test of time with prudence and forebearance!
Dodge the drama and become that player everyone wants in their group with a little help and insight from the Drama Mamas. Play nice ... and when in doubt, ask the Drama Mamas at robin@wowinsider.com. Read Robin's section of this post on how to get your letter answered and please remember that we cannot answer privately.Filed under: Analysis / Opinion, RP, Drama Mamas
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 2)
Helston Feb 13th 2012 9:43AM
Dear Drama Mama Lisa,
I came here purely out of boredom, and despite the fact the issue has no current relevance for me, I was delighted as I read your response. That is a superb display of language!
I do not wish to belittle the quality of Robin's reply, but Lisa's prose is simply magnificent and thoroughly enjoyable to read!
LynMars Feb 13th 2012 9:44AM
Ugh. Things I do to separate the OOC and IC to minimize drama:
I always refer to my characters in 3rd person in game OOC chat/Ventrilo/etc. They are not me. They are not extensions/insertions of me in game (even though every character one writes has some small aspect of the writer, and some even begin as self-inserts, once you start RPing them with others, keep the divide between the online persona and real self!). With a clear divide between myself and my characters, it's less likely to be confusing. I know some people like to be "all IC all the time" when in game, but that can make it much harder for other players to know what's really meant and what's a facade.
Make it clear I consider RP a fiction, a story, a game; not real life, even if heavier topics are involved. No one considers the terrible awful things our characters do to NPCs or each other to be real, people know actors playing characters in a romance aren't really in love, and it can be clear in RP as well. If you have to bluntly lay ground rules, do so. OOC convos of "what are the characters doing while we're not logged in on them?"--not RP (though sometimes that happens and can be good) but summaries/storyboarding with that 3rd person perspective. It keeps a bit of distance when you're treating it like writers plotting a story, not characters in love, until you're actually in game RPing together with others.
Oblique references to real life relationships or liking one's single status due to responsibilities and pressures in real life, if necessary. People are more likely to realize it's just a story when they realize there are other things going on in real life. Can also backfire and give the impression that one is looking, if not careful.
Alts can be in their own, separate relationships with other PCs (if their stories work that way, anyhow). I sometimes get worried about people I see who only RP romance with each others' characters and the players aren't involved/good friends in reality. There's a pressure on both RP partners, as well as limiting your storytelling options--and can definitely send the wrong message to the RP buddy or to the rest of the RP community.
Get a mediator, like a guild officer or respected member of the RP group/community that can be impartial if someone's getting too clingy and treating it too real. I had a guild mate take this option when someone was getting too clingy and possessive of her characters, even after she'd extracted them from the IC entanglements and took a game break. She talked to the officers because other hints and clues weren't working; she's married and RP was just a fictional story for her, but this lonely other player was being very needy about her time in game to the point where she didn't want to play.
Listen to friends when they warn things may be colored by IC interactions. That character you really hate due to his IC stuff? Don't take it out on his laid-back, helpful player. Same thing in romantic RP: you can't let your IC interactions lead you to thinking there's something more OOC. I warned a younger friend of this once but she tried a long-distance relationship with her RP partner anyway; it didn't last long and ended badly.
I've been extremely lucky in my IC relationships; I've even been thanked for keeping it entirely as a fictional story we were playing together and not being "creepy" like some other girls hounding the poor guy I was RPing with. I stay away from folks who give me a vibe of coming on too strong too fast, and let IC relations move at a natural, normal pace. That can be helped by the limits on game time, and some of my above suggestions that have worked for me.
Romance RP is a minefield. It can be navigated with some care, but don't be surprised when a bomb goes off. Then it's a matter of playing clean up with minimal drama fallout. Keeping things calmly divided between IC and OOC helps a great deal--and it sounds like in the letter here that more than one person didn't realize that divide existed. Good luck, Lonely!
Duerma Feb 13th 2012 11:01AM
Another idea I sometimes use is playing characters who have very different feelings towards others. (This usually helps me more than other people, but still.) My warlock can't stand my druid's BFF, and my druid thinks one of my warlock's friends is stupid and obnoxious. My warlock thinks my druid's mate is boringly nice, and my druid would probably be very uncomfortable around my warlock's husband. Having distinctive IC interactions while maintaining genial OOC chat can really help separate the two in your mind and (hopefully) the minds of others.
shatnerstorm2 Feb 13th 2012 9:45AM
This is why I tend to avoid online romances, period - RP or not. Normal romances are complicated enough, but when you don't have the face to face contact and have never even met a person, that creates even more issues.
I especially avoid them if the person in question lives far away. I'm not gonna lie, it's almost happened before; there was a person who lived in SC (I'm in WI) who I really clicked with and we said several times that we wish we could meet up IRL for a date or something...but we both knew it would never happen, so we just kinda left it where it was.
TLDR: You're probably better off using a dating site or singles group to find romance rather than WoW.
Duerma Feb 13th 2012 10:29AM
For someone trying to draw stricter lines between IC and OOC, the distance is a good thing. The dudes I've RPed romance with live on the other side of the country from me, and I'm likely never going to meet them - and it's probably better that way.
shatnerstorm2 Feb 13th 2012 10:45AM
Point taken. I'm only a casual RP'er, so the whole romantic RP thing seems like something I'm not "skilled" enough to do without getting tangled up emotionally. But, to each their own.
Nina Katarina Feb 13th 2012 9:57AM
This is why my RP characters always fall for NPCs. Nozdormu will never overestimate the depth of my adoration for him and want to meet me in real life.
Although it does lead to heartbreak when the developers decide that your twoo wove needs an in-game mate. Aggra, you hussy! You'd better watch your back.
shatnerstorm2 Feb 13th 2012 10:41AM
I'm partial to Baine Bloodhoof myself. Mature, sensitive AND assertive? Yes please.
Of course, they're probably gonna ship him off eventually with some random tauren girl nobody's ever heard of, but they can't stop me from dreaming!
Luotian Feb 13th 2012 11:22AM
Baine FTW! I love Baine so much, my affection for him can not be shown enough. I'm also a huge fan of Brann Bronzebeard.
I've never paired any of my characters with....well, okay, not strictly true. One of the quest givers in Grom'gol is (supposedly) an ex-boyfriend to one of my belf hunters. That's always fun for my sister's warlock who is her current BF.
I killed the husband of my other belf (a Tauren) at Tura'jo. THAT was a fun change of character. Usually the family/mate of my characters don't really exist. If they do, it is usually my sister that plays them, so no chance of THAT getting confused with RL romance.
musicchan Feb 13th 2012 7:09PM
Well known NPCs are too boring. What you really need to do is have your character fall in love with the mount vendor, or the Trade Goods lady, or some other minor NPCs hardly anyone has ever heard of. It's fun!
I actually made one of my characters the brother of the lady who sells hawkstriders outside of Silvermoon. No one is ever going to argue against it.
Stephen Feb 14th 2012 7:17AM
Well at least you didn't get door steeped!.
Seriously, sad to say, a similar situation was used in the opening episode of the guild just because it was so common and people could relate to it.
Gendou Feb 13th 2012 10:00AM
Ugh, character bleed. Is there anything more dreaded in RP circles than someone who can't maintain their character boundaries?
What's worse, I've encountered RP'ers who consider their inability to extricate their character's feelings from their own to be an admirable quality.
"Oh, I just feel so linked to my character that I can't help it. It's because I'm such a sensitive soul."
The end result of dealing with such unstable players is that if you play their friend, they like you, if you play their lover, they fall in love with you - and if you play a villain, they actually hate you.
Believe me, you are far, far better off getting away from such toxic influences.
Duerma Feb 13th 2012 10:48AM
"Oh, I just feel so linked to my character that I can't help it. It's because I'm such a sensitive soul."
Urrrgh. It's OK to get into your character while RPing and feel some of the emotions they feel, because getting into your character's head makes the RP scene run more smoothly and feel more authentic. And it's OK to be concerned for your character's welfare ("aw, her poor heart will break if this happens!"). But the only time you should think of your character in first person is in the middle of a scene. As soon as you wrap for the night, the character is no more you than a character in a TV show.
Luke Feb 14th 2012 12:45AM
@Gendou
Yeah and I'm pretty certain you've seen how it bleeds over into forums and even on WoW Insider comments. They get super crazy, it's kinda scary.
josh Feb 13th 2012 10:06AM
foreveralone.jpg
loli.gigis Feb 13th 2012 10:06AM
If they are willing to believe whatever story he told them about you OR just simply are rejecting you based on not wanting to get involved OOC - they were never your true friends and you should leave and find a new group.
Bond Feb 13th 2012 10:46AM
Keep the romance out! Have a beau "back home" or as Nina suggests above, find an NPC. Player to player RP romance leads to nothing but trouble. In my experience, the people looking to start an RP online romance are actually looking to start an OOC online romance.
Think of it this way: have you endured a couple developing and conducting an online romance in your raid group? Don't you want to reach through the Interwebz and smack them? They are either gushing and awful to be around, or angst-ridden and awful to be around, or fighting and awful to be around, or just plain awful to be around period. Why would you want to turn your RP in to that?
Duerma Feb 13th 2012 11:09AM
Because drama can be fun, and just like some people enjoy reading romance novels over mysteries or whatever, some people enjoy RPing romance along with their high adventure. If done correctly, it can be interesting to see what your character does in those situations, and what happens to a relationship when fantastical things happen. Do you know what you would do if your girlfriend got possessed by the Old Gods and tried to kill you in your sleep? You're never going to find out in real life, but that would be a fun story to explore in-game!
Owachi Feb 13th 2012 1:47PM
I have to disagree. I roleplay romance regularly and it has never turned to anyone trying to date the other IRL. It's all in how you choose your partner. Someone who is pushing to date IC really fast? Probably desperate and should be avoided.
LynMars Feb 13th 2012 2:11PM
I've never gone "looking for RP romance" and most of the people I play with don't go looking either; characters interact with other characters and the story unfolds, and sometimes characters "just click" and stuff happens, at which point OOC communication and knowing boundaries/comfort zones become important.
Knowing who you're playing with OOC is good, knowing if they're mature enough to keep the IC/OOC divided. Keeping things from moving too fast is another one; whirlwind romances can be fun at times, but someone pushing for dating and even fade-to-black character intercourse and then IC marriage within a couple days/weeks of meeting is probably a warning sign (or at least the mark of an inexperienced or different type of RPer than oneself). If they react badly to attempts to curb their enthusiasm, it's time to step away.
It is tricky though, as some people take it too far and do cross the lines, letting their RP cloud their judgment. There are also cases--that I know I have seen in Drama Mama columns before--about people who don't RP at all, but still cross boundaries in close conversation with guildies and raiding buddies, seeing more than there really is to an online friendship. RP can just be a handy excuse for people trying to use WoW as an online dating service to begin with.