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All of the latest Mists of Pandaria newsDrama Mamas: The love triangle strikes again
by Robin Torres 
Mar 20th 2012 at 5:00PM
The lovelorn player who's fallen in love with someone in an existing real-world relationship -- it's almost a cliché, it's so common. It would be all too easy for us to tut-tut with a gentle chuckle and a weary shake of the head, but the pain and confusion in these situations is never sharper or fresher than to those who find themselves there.
The Drama Mamas have addressed this situation before, albeit from another perspective, although the form of the letter and our reply themselves unfortunately may have stolen some of the thunder of that previous message. We'd like to revisit that reply again this week -- but first, of course, this week's letter:
Dear Drama Mamas,
I have read your column for a long time and always read about people having their heartbroken and relationships ruined due to their cheating significant other. This time, I am the other woman.
I have played WoW since release and have never been interested in anyone online. I've been on and off with the same man since then and the relationship (when it's happening) is fairly broken. We both aren't willing to put in the effort to fix it, so we just let it be. Recently, I've met the most amazing person I have ever known, through WoW.
Lets make things more complicated! He's engaged, he lives with her, he loves her but feels he's not happy nor is she right for him.
As with all the articles you have answered about this it started the same: innocent, friendly, flirty, and fun. It's now formed into a fairly deep affair. I'm 23 and he's 25, so I felt I was emotionally and mentally mature enough to handle the situation, but I was wrong. Our attraction and pull towards each other was instant, intense, and one of the most real things I have ever felt. The things he should be feeling for her, he feels for me. The time he should be spending nurturing their relationship he spends with me. The nights he should be laying in her arms he's dreaming about being in mine.
We have discussed the situation, and while he admits it's not the best, and on the verge of being wrong, it's not cheating. He says if they split up it would not be due to me, but their relationship is volatile and unhealthy and I feel it's due to him no longer feeling the need to try due to me. He recently told me he loved me but is going to keep working on it with her until he knows for sure it can't be fixed. He "knows it's the right thing to do". I've told him even they break up, we can't be together for a bit until he's sure it's not a knee jerk choice. He claims he hasn't been happy in a long time.
I have read what the other women and men have gone through when their love finds love in someone else. I have considered dropping all contact with him to give us both time to move on but I feel too deep into it now. I don't want him to leave her, but I don't want to give up what we have either. I love him.
I honestly have no idea what to do at this point. I know what I should do, but I also know it's not that simple. I feel horrible for his fiances situation, but I don't want to give up mine. Is it time to put my big girl face on and accept online cheating is cheating and move on, or is there any way to salvage this wreck? Am I a complete fool and both me and her are just being played? She was there 1st, but that doesn't mean she's the right person for him. I hate what I'm doing to this girl even if I don't know her. I also can't imagine being without him. I feel there is no happy ending in sight for anyone.
The Other Woman
Remember the Troubled Tank who overpulled his love life? At the time, many of our readers seemed to have trouble getting past the roleplayed approach of the original letter and our response. Our advice, however, still stands.
So with another love triangle on our doorstep, we offer up again an ever-so-lightly edited version of that reply. (And if you can't take the roleplay-tinged angle ... Forsooth! Begone with you!)
Drama Mama Lisa: Other Woman, while it's advice you seek, it's a good push you need. You have Charged into an encounter with a partner whose gear is in disarray. While it's obvious that you feel perfectly enchanted, your man is running with empty gem slots and worn-out greens. He's not taking care of his business. What's more, you are fruitlessly hurling yourself against an encounter to which you are not geared and attuned.Do not mock your misgivings, Other Woman, for you have obviously made several accurate assessments of this encounter. A few observations are in order, however, regarding the strategies you've chosen to apply.
"He recently told me he loved me but is going to keep working on it with her until he knows for sure it can't be fixed." This situation, Other Woman, is called evade mode. You've engaged the boss, yet he's hung in place, bugged out, and none of the raiders can actually engage with him. This is clearly an exploit of this encounter. Positioning is everything. This is not a trash mob, and your willingness to leave the boss hung in an untargetable position is simply inexcusable. Get this mob off evade mode and take him down, or drop aggro and move on.
"He says if they split up it would not be due to me, but their relationship is volatile and unhealthy and I feel it's due to him no longer feeling the need to try due to me." No encounter is as exciting on the 300th run. Your companion simply finds it more appealing to run out and loot new gear -- you -- than repairing and reforging current gear that he's nonetheless unwilling to part with. He can't wear it all. Nonetheless, the choice stands clearly before him.
"He claims he hasn't been happy in a long time." Even Lady Vashj appears beautiful before the first casts of Entangle and Shock Blast. It's all about proximity. His perspective would change considerably if you two were the ones who were living together each and every day.
"I have read what the other women and men have gone through when their love finds love in someone else. I have considered dropping all contact with him to give us both time to move on but I feel too deep into it now." An appalling lack of crowd control. Nobody said it would be easy. Call in an addon if you need help, but get the job done.
"He recently told me he loved me but is going to keep working on it with her until he knows for sure it can't be fixed." Why not? Loot and XP from two mobs is better than one, right? /sarcasm off
Other Woman, I'll be frank. You know what's right and what's wrong. It's time to engage with what's actually in front of you right now: a man who's stringing you along while he continues to enjoy his real-world relationship. You're going to have to turn off the virtual entertainment -- definitely this long-distance flirtation, and probably gaming as a whole for a time, to give yourself a breather. If this is truly real, he'll be back for you once he takes care of his business. His current relationship will stand or fall on its own merit, but you cannot afford to devote yourself to a man who won't commit. Good luck prioritizing it all, but I suspect you'll be just fine. I think you already know what to do.
Drama Mama Robin: Other Woman, you must get out of this triangle. If this man decides that his feelings for you are real, then he should leave his girlfriend, taking care to make sure all properties and lingering issues are distributed fairly. Since he is the one cheating, then he should be willing to be generous in the split. After that, you both must take Drama Mama Lisa's advice and exit Azeroth until he has rebuilt his own life and created a foundation for a new love with you.Just be warned: if he's cheating on his current girlfriend with you, then he is very likely to cheat on you with someone new and shiny.
And let's be clear: Online cheating is still cheating. If you were engaged and found handwritten loveletters from your partner or caught him having phone sex -- wouldn't you consider that cheating? How is having an affair via text in a game any different? He has said he loves you. How could telling another woman he loves her be anything but cheating? His rationalization that your relationship is only on the verge of being wrong is hogwash, malarkey, bullpoop.
If he decides that his relationship is really worth saving, then you have to step away for your own good. He's not worth it. Transfer characters, leave the game, or do whatever you have to do to cut off all contact with him. Then be happy in your solitude until you find someone worthy of your love.
Dodge the drama and become that player everyone wants in their group with a little help and insight from the Drama Mamas. Play nice ... and when in doubt, ask the Drama Mamas at robin@wowinsider.com. Read Robin's section of this post on how to get your letter answered and please remember that we cannot answer privately.Filed under: Analysis / Opinion, Drama Mamas
Reader Comments (Page 2 of 4)
Shinae Mar 20th 2012 5:36PM
Spot-on advice from you both!
As someone who has fallen in love with a man (or two, over the years) that I have only known through the internet, trust me, I am familiar with how instense feelings can be, even without any physical contact.
I know it's going to be very difficult for The Other Woman, but she really needs to do as the Mamas say. At least she only knows the man online and hasn't also built a face-to-face relationship, as that would make it more difficult.
It is best for her to break it off now, to make it clear to him that he needs to make a choice: either he works on his relationship with his fiance without the Other Woman distracting him, or he ends his engagement and chooses to be with Other Woman. If he truly has such doubts about his fiance, then he needs to end it now while they're still young and unmarried.
Good luck, Other Woman! May you have many years of love in your future.
shatnerstorm2 Mar 20th 2012 5:39PM
I'll be frank here, OW: he's leading you on. Simple as that. You shouldn't have to put with this BS. No matter what he says, until he's officially broken up with his fiancee for good, all his words mean nothing - whether he realizes or not, he's just using you to fill a void in his life. To him, you're just a tool he's using to fix a problem, nothing more.
This isn't just me giving armchair advice, either. Being a gay guy, I've known many people in my community who have gotten tangled up in secret relationships with married folks, justifying it by saying, "I'm the one he really loves, his relationship with his wife/fiancee/gf is dead". News flash, guys: if his relationship with his SO were dead, HE WOULD HAVE BROKEN UP WITH HER.
Guys like this simply want to have their cake and eat it too, because they're too cowardly to do what's right for them AND respect the dignity of others. Because doing BOTH of those things in the context of a relationship requires making hard decisions and sacrifices - both things that relationships require, and that guys like this are not willing to make.
(Disclaimer: I'm not saying that it's just men that make these decisions. It's about maturity, not gender.)
TLDR: Regardless of your emotions, which are understandably in turmoil about this situation (believe me, I've been there), I can objectively say that what this guy is telling you is bullshit, whether he's conscious of it or not. Move on, because you deserve better, and I have no doubt you can find something better if you try. =)
Matthew Mar 20th 2012 5:44PM
The fact that your in game analogies resonated with me scared the shit out of me.
Noyou Mar 20th 2012 5:59PM
Best advice from both Mama's:
"Just be warned: if he's cheating on his current girlfriend with you, then he is very likely to cheat on you with someone new and shiny."
I always wondered what people are thinking when they get involved with someone who is in a relationship- however many people I know, including family, started relationships like this.
One thing I will say is- it's better for them to find this out before they get married than to tie the knot and really eff things up.
Lars Petersson Mar 20th 2012 9:46PM
They think either:
A) I can change him (Pro-tip: they can't)
B) It'll be different with me (Pro-tip: that is hugely unlikely)
Caylynn Mar 20th 2012 6:04PM
The Drama Mamas are both 100% correct. Their advice in this situation is spot-on. While it can be hard to step away from someone that you feel so strongly for, it will be worth it in the end. When I split up with my ex (he cheated on me, but there were other issues as well and I know my lack of maturity at the time definitely played into it, so I won't blame him 100%, although I never ever cheated) I never thought I'd meet another man who would love me. Well, guess what? I did. I met a man far more worthy of my love, and my husband and I couldn't be happier. When I split with my ex, I never, ever thought I could be as happy and as deeply in love as I currently am. Boy, am I ever glad I was wrong. My husband and I have now been married for almost 8 years (our anniversary is in April) and we were common-law for several years before that. We fall more and more in love as time goes by.
Good luck, Other Woman. As the Drama Mamas said, you know what to do. You will be better for it in the end.
Pyromelter Mar 20th 2012 7:51PM
It's good to hear that after some particularly bad wipes, there are some people like you who make the run to pick up your body, get up off the ground, dust yourself off, and eventually earn the Meta-Achievement.
/grats!
Killik Mar 20th 2012 6:08PM
OW: If he's *really* trying to fix up his relationship then he needs to completely end things with you. The fact that he's not suggests that he's using you as a 'harmless' outlet for negative feelings about his relationship. You need something better, something with a future.
moobinator Mar 20th 2012 6:09PM
To continue with game analogies.
SPOILER ALERT:
He will cheat on you next.
Cheaters always look for the next best thing.
shotiechan Mar 20th 2012 6:40PM
"He's engaged, he lives with her, he loves her but feels he's not happy nor is she right for him."
This is the oldest line in the book that someone feeds the "other" person to convince them it's acceptable to cheat. They're unhappy, but for whatever reason, they just can't bring themselves to leave their current partner. Usually this blame falls on said partner: "I'd leave her, but she can't support herself/has threatened to hurt herself/some other total load of bs here".
The point is, it's a line. It's meant to trick you into feeling bad for him, and meant to convince you that it's okay to sleep with him. If he were really THAT unhappy, he'd have left his current partner. Instead, his solution is to attempt to cheat.
It's highly likely he's cheated before already, and you sure won't be the last one. The fact he's staying with his fiance while trying to string you along is proof enough. He won't be special, they never are. He's a cheater.
Possum Mar 21st 2012 2:53AM
I know, I'm surprised there isn't a TV tropes article on that line.
cygnus Mar 20th 2012 6:54PM
I'll just add another view since people are very vocal about their opinion regarding relationships that start as cheating.
Every human being is capable of 'cheating'. It's hard-coded in our behaviour as mammals; that's how the survival of the species has found its way. When two individuals found themselves 'fit' (and that's a purely subconscious analysis) a sexual desire rises. Male humans are more prone to 'cheat' because of the reproduction process we have developed, where a male can engage in reproduction in way shorter spans of time with several females; and we see this pattern in how other mammals compose their packs (some human societies emulate this, even these days) . Also, females are able to draw comparisons and find a more 'fitting' partner to spawn a new generation. There's no rational decisions ( or any decisions whatsoever ) at this point, nothing you could 'blame' on anyone.
Enters conscious behaviour ( and morality ). Now we see the human individual not as an animal but as a sentient being. These sentient beings do have the instinctive impulses we just discussed, but they should be able to decide upon the actions to take from them. And this is the key of the point (slowly) being made. Some of these individuals ACTIVELY seek to find themselves in these situations. The feeling of arousal is indeed a result of unconscious processes, but the situation by which the individual feel aroused was 'set' on purpose for the feelings to arise. THIS is the key of the 'cheating' behaviour one should try to find patterns with.
Not because a person cheated and started a relationship from that cheating one could conclude that said person is prone to cheat on the second relationship. If the first time the cheating was 'induced' by the individual THEN you can PRESUME (note presume. Not know, or be certain) he MIGHT enjoy the 'thrill of the hunt'. But if the 'cheating' came from a healthy relationship, or a sense of awe from a process of interaction, then NO INFERENCE should be made.
Now, how to detect if someone is consciously putting themselves in these situations?
Dunno. My hobby is to study and read about human behaviour, epistemology and TOK. Not about love relationships and heartbreaking stories :P
Best of luck!
shatnerstorm2 Mar 20th 2012 8:13PM
I'm mostly in agreement with you about the biology part, but here's the caveat: the worst part of cheating usually isn't the sex or physical attraction: it's the deception. I've heard a lot of people say that the lies behind the cheating felt much more hurtful than the actual cheating.
Now, if you have an open arrangement or polyamorous relationship, that's another matter altogether, and I personally see nothing wrong with that at all. As usual, the problem is lack of communication and people entering into committments that they can't or don't want to keep.
And of course I could write pages upon pages about our society's freakishly unhealthy and bipolar attitude towards sex...but that's another topic entirely, and I don't want to create a wall of text. =)
roosterfish Mar 20th 2012 7:15PM
Fantastic advice from both Mamas, and I loved the in-game references.
(And, great choice on the song...) *grin*
Robin Torres Mar 21st 2012 11:57AM
:D
Anonymous Mar 20th 2012 7:20PM
My first reaction when reading this one is, "He's such a jerk!" Perhaps his feelings may be natural, but he's doing just about everything he can to make both women in this situation miserable. Stringing along the writer with promises that, let's face it, if he were really serious about he'd have done something already if everything he said is true. And stringing along the fiance by staying in an engagement he says he's no longer interested in. He needs to man up like yesterday and deal with his problems, and I think the letter writer needs to seriously consider these things if she intends to stay with him.
Pyromelter Mar 20th 2012 7:55PM
"Stringing along the writer with promises that, let's face it, if he were really serious about he'd have done something already if everything he said is true."
I just want to highlight this, this goes to my earlier comment about people who stay in relationships even though they are really "done" with them. The kind of person that hangs on to a relationship until they find a new person, as soon as they find a new person, they extract themselves from the previous relationship and enter into that new one at full-speed ahead.
The fact that he's still plugging away at the old relationship tells me he's not really done with his fiancee, and that the letter-writer really should get herself the hell away from the guy in this scenario.
styopa Mar 20th 2012 7:54PM
Being a man, I'm not quite sure why women put up with men.
I mean, seriously, we're a-holes. Maybe not all, but the ones I've met that aren't jerks are wussy pantywaists. Not a great set of alternatives.
Seriously, ladies: men think about one thing from oh, age 12 to perhaps late 20s-early 30s. Some men never grow out of it. Depending on where a girl hits his hot-or-not meter, adjusted for his own self-image, a boyman will say or do nearly anything. Buy a puppy? Sure. Spend himself poor? Sure. Risk his life? Definitely.
By and large, the arc of the first couple of decades of a man's life are determined by his search for the opportunity at that. Obsessed with his job? It's because the status, power, and wealth will attract women better. Honest, sweet, and kind? Because he's figured out those are easy buttons to push, but you have to be credible. As a good friend said once: "If you can fake sincerity, you've got it made."
Women - even the jaded, cynical ones - have NO idea what that drive is like.
And in case people think this is a man-bashing thread, let me point out that (largely) women have controlled the mating of the species for the last couple of million years. Men behave in the manner most likely to ensure our success with...you guessed it, women. Sure, there are plenty of instances where she didn't get to chose the first bit (to put it delicately) but there's no way the offspring of the monster that would do such a thing would survive childhood without the mother's consent.
So ladies, we're what you made us. And there is the final irony.
No, the final irony is having a daughter, and knowing that no matter how much you try to warn her, she's swimming in a pool of sharks and it's almost impossible that one or more of them won't break her heart.
Re the fellow referenced in the letter, he's an ass. He's totally playing you, without risking the relationship he's in. I know, believe me, I know. Just walk away.
Pyromelter Mar 20th 2012 8:07PM
Yes, the guy referenced in the letter is an ass playing the letter writer.
The rest of your comment though styopa... I guess all I can say is I hope some day someone teaches you a bit more accurately about how things really work, so that you're not so depressingly cynical. It's really not that bad, especially if you get the right info from the right people that can help you understand current human mating practices.
Xantenise Mar 20th 2012 8:35PM
Just 'cause you're like that doesn't mean every man is like that, plus, it's not "our fault" you're like that, you did that all on your own!