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Drama Mamas: When a friend turns into a bully

Drama Mamas Lisa Poisso and Robin Torres are experienced gamers and real-life mamas -- and just as we don't want our precious babies to be the ones kicking and wailing on the floor of the checkout lane next to the candy, neither do we want you to become known as That Guy on your realm.

It's always fun when Lisa and I disagree.
Hello Drama Mamas,

I need some help and some advice. Recently I've been sharing my livestream of my guild's raids on my Facebook since a lot of my friends play or used to play WoW. This caught the attention of two former guildies from my old server, and they came back to WoW, transferred to my server, and joined my guild.

After a while, the husband started giving me all sorts of flack - about being benched, about my guildies' behavior, about me never farming rares/coins on the Timeless Isle with him - and demanding that I be in Vent/Mumble all the time. He got sick of being benched and went to a guild I'm leveling with some friends and started giving me flack for the other guild's lack of a raid team and demanding to know why I haven't moved my lvl90 alts out of my raiding guild and into the other one.
The thing is, it's MY TIME and MY ACCOUNT. Except when I took that stance and asserted myself, I got a response from him that is so ambiguous and knee-jerk I can't tell if he's trying to guilt-trip or bait me.

My raiding guild is telling me to report him for harrassment, but Blizzard won't do anything because it all happened in Vent/Mumble. I know I'm being bullied. I just don't know what else to do except hide on my Horde servers on nights off from raid. How do I prove to him that I'm done with him tromping all over me?

Drama Mama RobinDrama Mama Robin: Gkick him.

I guess I should be more verbose than that, but that's what you should do. It would probably be best to give him a warning first. Make sure you do so via whispers and take screenshots of the conversation. Tell him that you're done with his bullying, that you're going to play the game how you want to, and if he has a problem with that, he can feel free to leave. If he says he's not bullying you, then calmly explain to him how he is. If he actually sees the error of his ways and vows to be better, then you'll have to remind him every time he steps out of line and give him a finite number of chances. But if he won't accept that his behavior is wrong or if he continues it then gkick him.

It's very important that this warning be via whispers. You've had enough of keeping everything in voice chat and this conversation is best held in the coolness of text instead of the warmth of a heated verbal conversation. Also, it's a discussion that should be in private.

You'll probably lose his wife too, and that's fine. He may not be willing to give up Vent/Mumble and you'll have to change the password. Giving it to her will be the same as giving it to him. I doubt WoW is the only place he bullies.

I don't think he's going to change, and if he doesn't, he probably won't bow out gracefully. He seems to feel entitled to certain behavior from you in return for him transferring to your server. Or maybe he's just That Guy and he didn't show that side of himself before. Regardless, if he continues to bother you after he's left, then it will be via text since he's no longer welcome in Vent/Mumble. Screenshot it and report him for harassment.

Note: it sounds like you're the guild leader. If that's not the case, then it's the GM's job to protect guildies from this kind of behavior within the guild. You'll have to do all of this with the GM's cooperation of course.

You're right. It's your time and your account. Leisure time should be just that and not an additional source of stress for you. Good luck and let us know what happens.

Drama Mama LisaDrama Mama Lisa: Oh, come on, Robin, don't be such a legal eagle! Give the guy a what's what first. It sounds like the dude's used to getting his way -- and what he needs right now is a heads up that these guilds and friendships aren't designed as his personal playground.

You don't have to say anything to this guy that's not the absolute truth. The next time he starts making demands on your time, answer him frankly that you're already occupied with something else, or tell him thanks but no thanks. If he persists, give him the polite push-off: "The stuff I run with this character now makes it really hard to chat when I'm playing. Sorry, gotta run ..." -- and then let any additional whispers go by without any reply at all. You might have to repeat this a couple of times on other days before he gets the hint.

I'm betting that once Mr. All-About-Me gets the message that your guilds are about fun for the group and for you, not just a private avenue of good times and giggles for him, you won't find him pissing and moaning everywhere he can find you anymore. But if he doesn't catch the clue, you may have to loop back and get tough, as Robin suggests. I hope not; he sounds more clueless than mean-spirited to me. Let us know what happens!
Dodge the drama and become that player everyone wants in their group with a little help and insight from the Drama Mamas. Play nice ... and when in doubt, ask the Drama Mamas at robin@wowinsider.com. Read Robin's section of this post on how to get your letter answered and please remember that we cannot answer privately.

Filed under: Analysis / Opinion, Drama Mamas

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