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Know Your Lore: The Old Gods part two -- C'Thun {WoW}

Jul 28th 2010 9:22PM This article inspired me to read up on C'Thun and Cho'gall - and write this ...

VAPID, PRETTY BOY BLOOD ELF MALE IN A STUDIO: "Hail Horde members! This is Rhye'Ahn Seacress with the "Where Are They Now" segment! It was only a few years ago that the name Cho'Gall rocked the Twisting Nether and rained down the fire on those who dared to oppose the Horde! However, after a falling out at the Tomb of Sargeras World Event, the ogre warlock disappeared from the limelight. But thanks to an Old God, we might see one of the OG Hordies making a comeback!"

(Queue sentimental music)

CHO'GALL's TWO-EYED HEAD: "Yeah man, I was lost at Sargeras. Real downer man. Gul'Dan was dead, we were all battling demons, the whole band was infighting."

CHO'GALL's ONE-EYED HEAD: "And worst of all ... (crying) sniff ... I was fat. My belly was swollen. I'd ate a lot of beer-swollen Dark Iron Dwarves at the Altar of Storms the past few months and it got to me. I was popping out of my loincloths a lot. Embarrassing like you wouldn't believe. I mean, you're in front of an enemy army spamming multiple shadowbolts or summoning down an infernal, no one takes you seriously if your towel just pops off and drops to your toes in mid-fight. I never got over that part about the goblin merc screaming about going face-to-face with 'Cho'Gall's one-eyed ogre.'"

CHO'GALL's TWO_EYED HEAD: "So we, er, I, went down south to clear my head and get my act together."

(End sentimental music, put in uplifting guitar metal riffs and beat)

SEACRESS: "Now, after a few years in the wilds, checking himself into the Silithus Springs Wellness Center and signing up with new management (Image of C'Thun appears), things have changed for the three-eyed warlock, who's ready to hit the world stage again in what he promises as a "Cataclysmic Tour Straight out of Ahn-Qiraj!"

CHO'GALL's TWO-EYED HEAD: "So I went to this stone city in the desert, found a nice hole to crawl into, and there he was, my new god. He stared at me with this eye -"

CHO'GALL's ONE-EYED HEAD: "(snort) And I got a funny feeling in my loincloth -"

CHO'GALL's TWO-EYED HEAD: "(shh, but chuckles) - yeah I mean you gotta do a double-take on C'Thun, he just has that look from his eye at first impression, but the Old God really changed my life. I stolled into Ahn-Qiraj looking like Chris Metzen drew up a two-headed ogre after watching too many Cheech and Chong flicks and about as spaced out if I wasn't focusing on intimidating someone with my lockness. And that was kinda hard because I was fat and disheveled. C'Thun takes me, gets me hooked on these motivational speeches about the secrets of the universe and the inner peace you can attain by causing mayhem, death and destruction while listening to Mr. Bungle for relaxation. I mean it sounded like felhunter (censored) to me in the beginning because I heard all that before from the Burning Legion guys, but it got really deep and it hit me personally when he rambled about life lessons, like showing the Titan Tyr how to wipe with the other hand after he lost it in combat. 'It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye' he told me in private, and that hit me like an pound to the heads. Basically, death is close, you are already dead, your courage will fail, your friends will abandon you, you will betray your friends, your heart will explode -- these are just a little bit of the revelations you get from the Old Gods."

CHO'GALL's ONE-EYED HEAD: "C'Thun also helped me with my weight problem. The Old God put me on this regiment of talking to myself, stomping around in circles for days at a time and drinking this diet shakes of bug guts and sand; I want to add I've been clean from eating dwarves for three years -"

(Cue to dramatic music)

SEACRESS: "The transition wasn't all smooth for the Ogre-Magi. Photos obtained by AMZ show Cho'Gall had a bad reaction to the treatment - at first."

CHO'GALL's TWO-EYED HEAD: "Yeah, C'Thun's diet made me turn all purplish and made me buglike. I had lobster claw action for a while, intimidating but weird for a warlock, ya know. I had this imp I summoned, he was staring at me like total 'WTF HAPPENED TO YOU MAN?' Then the next week I look over at my other head and he's sporting a chicken beak with fangs."

CHO'GALL's ONE-EYED HEAD: "(Laughs) I was ugly, but so were you, you got all wrinkly"

CHO'GALL's TWO-EYED HEAD: "We've never been lookers. But anyway, I go up to C'Thun, and tell him I'm getting too bloated. He wraps me with one of his tentacles, squeezes like I've never been hugged so hard in my life - this guy here actually thought we might die for a second - and starts singing softly in my ears in this angelic voice, 'Let your new life begin, call 1-800 GETSLIM' That tentacle band worked, now I've got this 12-pack of abs, these muscles and a tight waistline Ogre females would kill for. You know any mages in Dalaran or ogres in Draenor that can say the same?"

CHO'GALL's ONE-EYED HEAD: "Still, kinda tough to roll into beauty salons as a guy. The toenails are just killer to maintain now. I kick some guy to silence them in mid-spell and they just stick there. But I'm so ... pretty now (Both heads stick their tongues to the camera Gene Simmons-style)."

SEACRESS: "We tried to get a word from C'Thun but the Old God was unresponsive to our efforts."

(C'Thun is shown wearing a massive pair of headphones, vibrating and jelling to Cypress Hill's "Insane in the Membrane")

SEACRESS: "Cho'Gall isn't the first major combat celebrity to receive a makeover by the Old God. Ossirian the Unscarred, killer of the Dragon Grakkond, got life-saving treatment from C'Thun.

OSSIRIAN: "When I heard what he did for Cho'Gall, I said, 'Sands of the desert!' I mean, I got a second chance at life, but I'm just stuck here with these crystals C'Thun hooked me up with, heh, career terminated. Cho'ey, man, he's got a second chance to live and light it up."

(Switch to the Altar of Storms, rocking with lightning and thunder)

CHO'GALLs HEADS IN STEREO: (IN WHISPERING CHANT) "When the child of the three realms becomes as light/the ancient power will be released/the earth will tremble/the seas will rise up in answer/and all will be (SHOUTING IN STEREO) MADNESS!/ (HEADBANGING, WITH HOOK EM HORNS HAND SIGNS) OUR MASTER IS A GOD OF CHAOS!!!"

(Switch back to studio)

SEACRESS: "You can catch the latest work by the Old Gods - and Cho'Gall - soon when their Cataclysm Tour kicks off in the Bastion of Twilight. Seacress Out!"