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Oct 18th 2011 4:16PM "the time he enjoyed most was the time he spent in-game *with her*, and wants to experience that again *with her*."
So that's what he wants. What does she want? We know nothing of that. Maybe she doesn't want to play WoW, period. I recall that she had to be cajoled into playing for quite a while at the start. Maybe she doesn't like the game compared to other games (heresy!), or maybe there are just too many negative emotional connections from those past events. She has a right to not like playing a game, and her desires and wants should be respected as much as his.
Maybe it's not that she dislikes playing WoW (what other games does SHE play? There are many other genres out there), but that she's concerned about being in a committed relationship with someone when she doesn't feel like he is respecting her needs and wants.
Rather than spending the money on a plushie, perhaps he should start a WoW-fund savings jar to demonstrate that he is planning ahead (or a "nice dinner out" jar for their relationship upkeep). Even better, is he doing his share of housework and other tasks? If he can go above and beyond the call of boyfriendness, that would be the best way to demonstrate that he values her as a person and that he recognizes the need to support the relationship actively by making it easier for her to spend time doing this with him.
Oct 18th 2011 4:04PM @Sleutel: Yay Dan Savage reference! Looking at it from the other end though, it could be that the price of admission to keep dating the gf may be "stay away from things that led to problems in the past." To be honest, I haven't seen much that suggests that Clueless is the big catch here; it may be the gf who is the beloved here. We don't know. (Did Clueless get a new job?) But it would be good for them to have a sit down talk to hash out why WoW could be seen as a problem, and why it is desirable to play WoW specifically (as opposed to some other joint activity).
Oct 17th 2011 10:37PM @Priestess: if he needs his gf to tell him he's letting WoW playing overwhelm his adult responsibilities, he doesn't need a girlfriend. He needs a babysitter.
Oct 17th 2011 9:47PM Offering a cute minipet could backfire. I know several female gamers who would feel that their intelligence was being insulted if their boyfriends thought they could make up for irresponsible and disrespectful behavior with something like that. It's like telling a hardcore gamer grrl that WoW is nice to play because it has pretty dresses for her toon.
How about focusing on the real problem - inability to engage in WoW maturely and responsibly? It sounds like Clueless' gf has her priorities in order and knows when she sees a problem situation. My guess is that Clueless has one more strike before he's out.
On the other hand, I'll pull a Dan Savage and suggest that maybe he'd be doing her a favor by going back to WoW and letting her move on to someone who won't try to bribe her out of making prudent relationship decisions.
Aug 20th 2011 9:40PM @Elionene: Good advice, and thanks for the Google Voice tip. I had set up gmail accounts for my mains, and it made it very convenient to continue in-depth convos with people I'd met in-game without it getting too personal. It's a safeguard that everyone should use, both for personal safety and to help keep things on a more comfortable level.
It skeeves me out when I hear about large guilds all sharing personal information; too much chance for something to go awry, as DM Robin mentioned. There are plenty of good proxies that can be set up, and it shouldn't be an official or unofficial guild policy to share RL contact info (other than perhaps a few core officers for logistical reasons).
Ironically, if the personal info policy were good enough, no one should have been able to find out that someone was a registered sex offender, which would have made the rest of the letter moot. But similarly, no one could have harmed anyone through in-game connections by stalking or other inappropriate behavior. It isn't "just a game," but keeping the game distinct from RL is a good idea on many levels.
Aug 9th 2011 1:08PM While I agree that conditions/diagnoses shouldn't be used as excuses, it's also important to recognize when it would be appropriate to try different tactics based on the other person's perspective. They say that insanity is trying the same thing over and over hoping for a different result, and this looks like a case where a change may be in order before writing this person off as a "bad person." That is part of good leadership - being able to identify how people are different and leveraging those differences for the benefit of all.
Aug 8th 2011 7:30PM Some ideas on how to work with K:
- Set rules and boundaries ahead of time, and make them apply to everyone. Enforce them fairly.
- In tabletop, if K wants to track rules, try playing a session where they are the gamemaster/referee. Or consult them as the rules-meister, since the book is near at hand anyway.
- Regarding improving K's gear - it is possible (reading K as someone who wants to pull their fair share and not be a charity case) that K doesn't want to feel like they're failing to the point that they need to get handouts. That may not be the case, but that may be how K feels. Try offering trades in goods or services.
- To motivate K, perhaps the person closest to K can be a mentor/guide/cheerleader. Have them mention some new technique they saw a hunter do, or point to an article suggesting gemming/enchanting schema. There is a chance that K could be motivated by a sense of personal achievement, and if they see a way to push themselves, they may pursue it.
Aug 8th 2011 7:24PM Agreed on the potential for Asperger's; that was the first thing that came to mind when I read this. I'm curious as to WHY K is like this, and HOW K got to stay like this for so long. Alternatively, K could be much younger and emotionally/socially immature (albeit very bright, or trying to be) - that would also take nurturing, but of a different sort.
How did they start out inviting K to their home for in-person gaming? Reading between the lines, I suspect that K has a reason/hook/attachment that makes booting them (nice gender-neutralization in OP, btw) impossible/unlikely. Maybe K is someone's younger sibling or S.O.? A boot from the guild will have repercussions in the meatspace arena.
May 27th 2011 11:53AM It's interesting in this letter that the lead-up takes up most of the text while the problem is addressed quickly and in little depth. As others noted, it's hard to tell where the lack in skill is.
I learned to tank 5-mans on my Druid from an experienced Pally friend. One of the best exercises he did with me to help build confidence and a sense of control was to play "threat ping-pong" in a regular 5-man instance (we brought a healer friend along). We chose a solo mob, and would take turns taunting it off the other and holding threat on it. Once I got the hang of that, our healer pulled it and I practiced taunting off him. It was a basic exercise, but one that really helped me focus on technique and control rather than just on rotations and builds. People learn in different ways, and a little bit of hands-on practice in a non-group, low-pressure situation can go a long way; the key is coming up with exercises that teach good technique.
Another thing to consider: is Penny's toon a class that's underrepresented as tanks in her social circle? My tank friends were mostly Pally or DK tanks, with no Bears, so I had to do a bit of extra research to learn tricks (like going backward in CoS from Big Bear Butt). If she's had no class examples to emulate, then she doesn't have anyone to discuss class-specific tanking with.
It sounds like her heart's in the right place, and that she likes being involved with the guild. If she knows that everyone is backing her and supporting her growth, she could be a great tank with just a bit of creative coaching.
Apr 23rd 2011 8:41AM Something feels fishy there. I've seen a trend towards judging females more harshly than males for "grey area" sexually charged discussion and flirting. What does BCF do when flirting? How does BCF use porn? One friend of mine equated sexually charged chatting with someone online with viewing pornography and so didn't see it as cheating.
There is a lot here that needs to be hashed out before good advice can be given, IMO.