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Phat Loot Phriday: Precious' Ribbon

When we last left our heroes, Lolegolas had unleashed all the flavors of the rainbow and turned Sylvanas into a dog. Throgg was really confused by the situation but sure that nothing could possibly go wrong.

"You turned her into a dog!" Miranda shouted. "How did you even do that? That's not how that's supposed to work." The human still looked like an iron dwarf, which made the girl's voice sound especially surreal. "I'm going to get into so much trouble."

"Can we keep her?" Throgg asked. He immediately dropped to his knees and pulled a small, pink cloth from his backpack. "I still have Precious' Ribbon! It'd look great on her."

"We can't keep her," Lolegolas instantly replied. "We already have a dog."

The Gilnean tapped his iron dwarf foot in annoyance.

"We're not getting any answers from her this way," Miranda said. "We need an amazing coincidence or a bit of deus ex machina to continue our quest." She coughed into her hand with significance, as if that were some kind of cue.

Just then, Abercrombie blundered into the throne room. He froze when he saw the proceedings. "Oh, crap," he muttered. Then, without further ado, he hiked up his robes and bolted back down the hall.

"You had to know that was going to happen," Lolegolas said.

"Well, maybe," Miranda said. "It was just good timing, that's all. Quick, after him!"

Precious' Ribbon
Type: Shirt

Item information: You get Precious' Ribbon from the dog named Precious in Icecrown Citadel. It has a very low drop rate, though, so expect to be farming forever.

Phat Loot Phriday brings you the scoop on some of the most ... interesting ... loot in the World of Warcraft, often viewed through the eyes of the stalwart Throgg and indelible Lolegolas. Suggest items you think we should feature by emailing

Filed under: Phat Loot Phriday

Phat Loot Phriday: Rainbow Generator

When last we left our heroes, they'd snuck into the Undercity disguised as iron dwarves. Not to bore you with details ... Let's just assume they used dashing swashbuckling and debonair ne'er-do-welling to reach the Dark Lady's chambers.

"So, let me get this straight," Lolegolas said slowly. "Abercrombie never spoke with you."

"Vile sindorei!" Sylvanas said. "I am the Dark Lady of Iambic Poetry! I speaketh not to yon humans as if yea verily hath been here forsooth."

Throgg counted on his fingers as he repeated with the woman had said. "I swear, nobody speak normal, nowadays."

"They probably think it's great story," Miranda commented. She reclined on a step, tapping her staff impatiently against a foot. While the Glinean maintained his iron dwarf costume, the human girl had let hers drop as soon as they saw Sylvanas. Curiously, the guards did not attack her on sight. "All deep and meaningful."

"Look, your Angstfulness," Lolegolas muttered. "We need to know what Abercrombie is up to. If you can't talk to us like a normal person, we'll have to take drastic action."

"Action? When the darkness dwells in my blood, this crawling in my skin doth make for a broken crown upon my head!"

"OK, that's it," the blood elf muttered. "I didn't want to have to do this, but I'm tired of you quest-fetching bums. Behold the awesome power of the Rainbow Generator!"

Lolegolas grasped the front of his shirt and tore it open. A small disc hanging on his chest whirred loudly, and a bright rainbow exploded forward. The many-hued light engulfed Sylvanas, hiding her from view. Only a few seconds passed before the light faded away. The undead woman could not immediately be seen.

"Oh, crap," Miranda said. "You turned Sylvanas into a dog."

Item details: Rainbow Generator is a trinket (+14 stamina, +9 crit) that creates a rainbow when used. You get it by completing the quest Open Their Eyes in Felwood.

Phat Loot Phriday brings you the scoop on some of the most ... interesting ... loot in the World of Warcraft, often viewed through the eyes of the stalwart Throgg and indelible Lolegolas. Suggest items you think we should feature by emailing

Filed under: Phat Loot Phriday

Phat Loot Phriday: Lovely Undercity Card

When we last left our heroes, the fearsome foursome were sneaking beneath the bowels of shattered Lordaeron. They wore Iron Dwarf costumes from Wrath of the Lich King because I said so, that's why.

"I hate the way this place smells," Lolegolas complained. He stroked his iron beard. "It's like every angry poo-poo in the world cried out at once in terror and came here for refuge."

"Undead," Throgg said, as if that explained it.

"Halt!" a voice cried out. Actually, crying out is what the voice attempted. What it accomplished was kind of a dry, rasping croak. An undead guard waddled up to the intruders. "Who goes there?"

"Aye, laddie! We're to be seeing stout the Lady Sylvanas Windrunner pilsner," Lolegolas replied quickly. "We have a lager invitation and proof of her porter affection!"

"Well, you sound like a dwarf, but you're clearly not Alliance," the undead rasped. "Do you have any proof?"

Throgg quickly held out a small red card. He would have spoken, but he didn't have the blood elf's mastery of beers.

"Oh, a Lovely Undercity Card," the guard muttered. "Fair enough, then. Go on about your way."

Lovely Undercity Card
Type Inventory item, like a potion.
Use Increases Intellect for 1 hour, increases as you level.
Flavor text "From the Banshee Queen, Lady Sylvanas Windrunner."

How to get it Bring a gift to the Banshee Queen. Stay tuned for how Throgg got his.
How to get rid of it Just use it, and it will disappear.

Phat Loot Phriday brings you the scoop on some of the most ... interesting ... loot in the World of Warcraft, often viewed through the eyes of the stalwart Throgg and indelible Lolegolas. Suggest items you think we should feature by emailing

Filed under: Phat Loot Phriday

Phat Loot Phriday: Iron Boot Flask

When we last left our heroes, Throgg was complaining about Garrosh, essentially proving his membership in the Horde ... or, alternatively, proving his membership in the Alliance. Hatred of Garrosh is a unifying force in Azeroth, similar to love of Legos in the real world.

The four rode into Tirisfal without much fanfare. Lolegolas was careful to guide the party away from the dirt road, staying out of sight from the undead guards who stalked the kingdom's highway. Throgg grew increasingly quiet.

"I've not smelled Abercrombie," the Gilnean said quietly. "Not a whiff of a food court, Hot Topic, or Cinnabon within miles."

Miranda stared at the druid hard for a moment. "You stealing my gig, Spot?"

"My name is not Spot," the Gilnean replied absently. "We'll have to go into Undercity beneath Lordaeron." He frowned, and his jaw clenched. "Hate that place."

Lolegolas clapped the Gilnean on the shoulder, speaking quietly. "If it helps at all, we do, too. No one likes reminders of bad days."

"This is very touching, but let's keep to business. We'll need to take the sewer exit in," Miranda said. "We could maybe hitch a ride with one of the inevitable Alliance raids, but I think we're better off sneaking in. Ride flying mounts to stick near to the ceiling, maybe, until we get close to Sylvanas."

"And then we all die horribly?" Lolegolas said. "We can accomplish that plan anywhere, we don't have to go into Undercity to do it."

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Phat Loot Phriday: Belt of the Beloved Companion

When last we left our valiant heroes, Throgg was making bad jokes. As a result, we'll be taking a slightly more serious approach this week and give those puns a chance to come off cooldown. Also, SOPA bad.

The Gilnean and Miranda both slept in their respective tents. Lolegolas chalked it up to their having been so busy getting the party safely through the dwarf lands. He tossed another chunk of wood into the campfire.

"I have something for you," Throgg said. "Got it a while back."

Lolegolas looked across the campfire at his orc friend. The two had enjoyed dozens of adventures in the last year. He couldn't escape the pressing feeling that it had to end. The doubt plagued him throughout Arathi.

Throgg pulled a long, scaled belt from his sack. The orc stared at it for a moment and tossed it across the distance between them. "Belt of the Beloved Companion. I can't use it, thought you could."

Lolegolas ran his hands along the belt. "This is a magnificent item. Room for red gems, lots of enchantments that benefit hunters." Lolegolas opened his mouth to continue but stopped.

"Might need it," Throgg said quietly. "If Abercrombie is with Sylvanas, Undercity will be hard to escape alive."

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Phat Loot Phriday: Experimental Specimen Slicer

When we last left our heroes, they had decided on a method to track the vile Abercrombie. This week, we're looking at a piece of endgame gear as an attempt to stay relevant as a loot column. We'll likely fail, but Lolegolas will look great while doing it. That's what blood elves do!

The journey toward Tirisfal was lonely. Either Miranda or the Gilnean would periodically demand the foursome stop to look around. Despite clever eyes and earnest hopes, nary another soul could be found on the road.

"Don't get it," Throgg grunted. "Shoulda been attacked dozen times by now."

"Out with it," Lolegolas said when he noticed Miranda toeing the ground uncomfortably. "What do you know, woman?"

Miranda rolled her eyes as she remounted her horse. "Folks are just otherwise occupied right now, I guess you could say. Things will be fine."

"Really?" Lolegolas asked. "How does an entire continent of people just disappear?"

Miranda waved a hand dismissively and pointed to the distance. "We're nearly to Tirisfal. I've gotten word that Abercrombie is definitely there."

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Phat Loot Phriday: Abercrombie's Gloves

When we last left our heroes, a goblin nurse had just healed up Lolegolas, whose propensity for a disciplined hair care regimen has left him grumpy. Miranda expressed some annoyance with pop culture references, to which Not Spot only replied "u mad bro?" Not really.

Miranda poked at the fire with a long stick. She kept an eye on the Gilnean the entire time.

"Don't worry," he said. "I promise not to grab it in my teeth and go running away with it."

"I wasn't worried about that," Miranda replied. "That's not how fetch works."

Lolegolas ignored the druid's faint growl as he flipped a map around in his hands. "Getting to Undercity will be easy enough," the blood elf said. "Do we actually have a solid reason to chase Abercrombie that far? He could be anywhere. Mage, and all that."

Throgg grunted. "Feels right, at least."

"At any rate," Lolegolas said. "The real question is how we find him once we get there. Tirisfal is a big place, and we don't exactly have a human-finding compass on hand."

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Phat Loot Phriday: Gus' First Aid Kit

When we last left our heroes, they were riding frantically toward Gilneas to stymie Abercrombie's nefarious plan ... whatever that might be. They're joined by the druid whose name is not Spot and the mysterious girl called Miranda. Lolegolas hasn't been able to wash his hair for six months, and he's getting crabby.

The four stormed through Dun Morogh with all the speed of a tank blurring through a dungeon. When they finally pulled up to camp in the Wetlands, Throgg jumped from his mount and virtually charged to help Lolegolas down from his own steed.

"You're hurt," the orc said brusquely. "Undead? How long have you been hiding this wound?"

The blood elf grunted as he peeled his shirt sleeve up from his arm. "Caught a fang or something toward the end. I was rushed on account of you going missing. I'm not sure how bad it is."

The druid pulled a fallen log near a barren patch of dirt. "Time for the nurse."

Lolegolas cocked his head to the side. "The nurse?"

Without another word, the Gilnean pulled a small contraption out of his pocket. It looked like a bandage rolled up tightly inside a wire box. "Pssst," the druid whispered at the box. "Time is money, and wounds take time!"

A puff of smoke appeared on the ground. When it cleared away, a goblin dressed in a nurse's uniform stood nonchalantly. "Who?" he said without prompting.

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Phat Loot Phriday: Lump of Coal

"I can't believe how cold it is," Lolegolas moaned. The four rode quietly through Dun Morogh, watching a fresh coat of snow drift from the sky. "No wonder dwarves are so well padded. It's insulation."

Throgg shrugged as they plodded along. They traveled in the shadow of Ironforge, carefully keeping to the outside rim of the region. The adventurers pulled up short when Miranda imperiously raised an arm, peering through the dusk snowfall. "This way," she said.

Circled around a campfire, four dwarves laughed as they passed a keg among themselves. They wore standard mountaineer greens and their faces were flush with beer and warmth. Their campfire was at least as tall again as any of the dwarves.

Throgg got the hint first. With a nod to Miranda, he dismounted and stepped into the light. He lifted a pony keg of ale over his head briefly, then sat it on the ground in front of the dwarves. One of the stout men looked at it for a moment, then set a small Lump of Coal in front of Throgg.

The little creature jumped up and immediately ran to the orc, hugging his leg tightly. As soon as the coal had given its approval, the dwarves immediately relaxed and gestured the four travelers to come into the camp.

"Beer and pets," Miranda sighed. "It's always the same with you people. You know that, right?"

"Merry Winter's Veil," the Gilnean said as he filled a flagon for himself. He smiled brightly at the girl. "Come in, relax. It's all good for now."

How to get it: Lump of Coal is a companion pet for Winter's Veil, contained in the Stolen Present you get for killing the Green each day. Alternatively, score yourself a place on the Naughty list. Don't worry; that's not hard at all.
How to get rid of it: It's a pet; you don't get rid of it. Also, you can stop being so darn naughty so that maybe Santa will leave you a real gift next year.

Phat Loot Phriday brings you the scoop on some of the most ... interesting ... loot in the World of Warcraft, often viewed through the eyes of the stalwart Throgg and indelible Lolegolas. Suggest items you think we should feature by emailing

Filed under: Phat Loot Phriday

Phat Loot Phriday: Shriveled Heart

When last we left our heroes, Lolegolas had just decked Throgg across the jaw. Miranda was doing her best impression of being surprised, and the Gilnean just looked slightly embarrassed. As you do.

"What is wrong with you?" Lolegolas screamed. The blood elf's body vibrated with rage. His green eyes shimmered. "How could you? What were you thinking?"

Throgg picked himself up from the ground slowly, holding a hand palm-out toward the enraged blood elf. "It's not like that," Throgg said. "Miranda said that she needed help."

The young girl stepped forward to speak, but the Gilnean appeared from the shadows, laying a hand on her shoulder. "Hush, child," the druid whispered. "This has been coming."

"I'm sure she did," the blood elf retorted. "I'm sure you were doing the right thing; but you have to stop doing the right thing, Throgg. You're going to die if you keep this up!"

"Guys, about the dark wizard ... " Miranda tried to interrupt. "We don't have time for this."

"You!" Lolegolas said, whirling to face the girl. "We came here to rescue you from tauren, not to go hunting abominations. What happened to the Grimtotem? Why would you even come to Darkshire?"

"Leave her alone," Throgg said. "You are angry. You yell at me, not at girl." Throgg brushed his backside off as he scanned the clearing. "Mage gone. That's not good."

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Phat Loot Phriday: Arrowflick Gauntlets

When last we left our heroes, Miranda and Throgg split the party to find Abercrombie. The Gilnean and Lolegolas stayed to fight skeletons. The Dungeon Master gnashed his teeth and pulled his hair, but the party remained in separate locations. The DM considered sending a gelatinous cube to kill them all.

"So, that's him," Throgg said. He sprawled beneath some bushes above Darkshire. Even the normally unsubtle orc couldn't believe Abercrombie couldn't see the hiding spot. After all, orcs wielding immense axes and rippling thews aren't know for their stealth. "Abercrombie. The man raining destruction down on Darkshire. And we're going to kill his valkyr."

"Thanks, Exposition Lad," Miranda muttered. She looked much more comfortable under the bush, her chin resting on her forearms. "The thing should be back around shortly. Can't miss her. Big wings, impressive stature inspiring inappropriate thoughts, tendency to raise the dead."

"You're talking fast and using big words to confuse me," Throgg replied.

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Phat Loot Phriday: Lightning Rod

When last we left our heroes, Darkshire was getting pounded by undead, Stitches was running loose, the Lolegolas had just run out of conditioner.

Throgg panted, his bloody axe dangling limply in his hand. Stitches lay in pieces around the orc. Entrails and bloody bits made the center of Darkshire look like a butcher's yard.

"We're not done here yet," Miranda shouted. She leaned out an inn door, pointing up the road. Undead still shambled toward the town. Flashes of moonfire lit up the road, and burning shafts streaked in the air. Lolegolas and the Gilnean held the flow of zombies back, but they couldn't do it forever.

"We need to talk about how you know my name," Throgg muttered.

"That's what I do," Miranda quipped. She quickly jumped out of the door. Bizarrely, Throgg noticed she was barefoot. "You're late. Something delayed you ... "

"Brewfest," Throgg explained.

"Whatever," the human girl continued. "You were late, so Abercrombie has been very busy. He made a deal with Sylvanas."

"The Dark Lady?" the orc gasped. "The leader of the Forsaken?"

"No, the puppy," Miranda derided. "Look, long story short, he's got a valkyr helping him. Your friends can stall the zombies long enough, but we need to go kill the valkyr."

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Phat Loot Phriday: Reforged Trollbane

The story extends a little beyond the cut now. When we last left our heroes, Stitches was rampaging in Darkshire (as he does), a small boy was in danger of getting stepped upon (as they often are), and the Alliance guards were arguing with Throgg (as they do).

"Look, man!" Lolegolas shouted at the human. "You need help, we're here to give it. How about we indulge in jingoism after we handle this?"

Stitches bellowed again, flecks of spittle and undigested critters spraying the area. The abomination slammed its foot to the ground. Just as its massive heel would have connected with the human, something wiry and dirty grabbed the child and yanked him to the side. A young woman carried the boy away. She ran with the agility and tirelessness of a teenager, but Stitches's loping stride easily kept pace.

"Throgg!" Miranda shouted. "Would you do something already? You're 10 minutes late as it is!"

The guard's head whipped between Miranda and Throgg. With a sigh of resignation, he stepped back and gestured. "Save our town, if you will," the guard said. "Please."

Throgg unshouldered the Reforged Trollbane as he charged toward the abomination.

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Phat Loot Phriday: Stitches' Stitchings

Phat Loot Phriday now extends (slightly) behind the cut below.

The three rode into Darkshire in a cloud of dust and ash. The town was burning; even the sky glowed with an angry, orange light. Throgg leapt from the back of his mount, snatching a thick cloth from the ground.

"I know that cape," the Gilnean growled. He still wore his human form. "Those are some of Stitches' Stitchings. Nice for starting casters, but horrible for grammarians."

"No time," Throgg waved the comment away. He unslung a massive axe from his back, stalking toward the town quickly. Lolegolas bounced behind him, stringing his bow as he walked. They didn't make it before a human guard stopped them.

"Horde!" the human screamed. "Stay where you are. We are under attack, and no Horde will ... "

"Hold on," the druid said. The Gilnean made a show of patting himself down. "What in the name Elune? Do I look like a troll or something? Or do these fools just go blind when a monster is around?"

The druid barely finished speaking when a human sailed over the nearest building, landing a few dozen yards from the group. He hit the ground with a loud thump.

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Phat Loot Phriday: Sandrene's Invisible Vest

Reader's Note: Phat Loot Phriday now extends (slightly) behind the cut below.

"By Elune's Funky Beat and Tabbed Collars!" Throgg said. "What are you wearing?"

"It's a leather vest," Lolegolas said, running his hands over his chest. "I figured since we're strolling through old content, then we should dress the part. So I got this chestpiece."

"Little elf," Throgg said carefully. "You wear nothing except, perhaps, the Emperor's new clothes. I can see your piercings."

Lolegolas let out a long, sad sigh. The sigh expressed the agony of man who cared deeply about fashion but whose friend could not understand. "It's Sandrene's Invisible Vest, Throgg. It is, in fact, actually a vest and you just can't see it."

Throgg poked the Blood Elf's chest with a doubting finger. "Huh. I can actually feel it. How odd."

"Are you two quite finished?" the Gilnean asked ahead of them. "Miranda's waiting for us."

"Of course," Lolegolas said. "The trail of dead Worgen is getting thicker. Surely, she's nearby. What's our plan at this point?"

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