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Phat Loot Phriday: Helm of the Fire Festival

Phat Loot Phriday Helm of the Fire Festival
When last we left our heroes, Throgg and Lolegolas had just arrived in the pandaren training grounds. Throgg finally answered the question about his unique patois habits, which leads to the inevitable lunch episode.

"I'm hungry," Throgg complained. "I brought fish, though. You want fish?"

"I could go for a carp about now," Lolegolas replied. "Don't see any wood for a fire, though."

"Don't worry. I got this." Throgg opened his bag and pulled out a strange hat. It looked almost exactly like a saucepan. Without fanfare, he placed the contraption on his head and knelt to the ground. The hat burst into flame. "You can cook on my head."

"Care to repeat what you just said? 'You can cook on my head.' You realize that sounds somewhat crazy, even from you."

"It's a great invention. No more campfires -- we can just cook on each other's heads."

Lolegolas nodded in slow motion, the same way a warrior might look if a priest were trying to knife him to death. "You sure you want to try this?"

"Let's try it once and see how it pans out."

Item note: No, really, you can cook on it. We have more information about it here.

Phat Loot Phriday brings you the scoop on some of the most ... interesting ... loot in the World of Warcraft, often viewed through the eyes of the stalwart Throgg and indelible Lolegolas. Suggest items you think we should feature by emailing mikeg@wowinsider.com.

Filed under: Phat Loot Phriday

Mists of Pandaria: (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻

The latest build for the Mists of Pandaria beta has brought new spells, huge nerfs, and Flippable Tables. Yes, that's right, a Flippable Table.

Michael Gray speculated about the table last week in Phat Loot Phriday, but at the time, the item hadn't yet been implemented on test servers. Well folks, there is now no more need for speculation. For your viewing pleasure, I give you the Flippable Table. And I only had to kill 400 birds and get spawn-camped by an embarrassingly low-level warlock (I do not PvP as shadow) to bring it to you. You're welcome.

Currently, the Flippable Table is purchased from Nam Ironpaw in Valley of the Four Winds using Ironpaw Tokens, a currency you get from completing Mists of Pandaria cooking dailies. The same currency is used to purchase other novelty items such as Apron and Frying Pan.

It's open warfare between Alliance and Horde in Mists of Pandaria, World of Warcraft's next expansion. Jump into five new levels with new talents and class mechanics, try the new monk class, and create a pandaren character to ally with either Horde or Alliance. Look for expansion basics in our Mists FAQ, or dig into our spring press event coverage for more details!

Filed under: Mists of Pandaria

Phat Loot Phiday: Flippable Table

Phat Loot Phiday Flippable Table
When last we left our heroes, Throgg and Lolegolas had just crossed the barrier between worlds to join the beta. We now resume with their quest to hunt down Miranda. Not Spot has not been seen for some time.

"This doesn't look right," Lolegolas said. He stood atop a hill, looking down at small groups of pandaren practicing their martial arts. "I think we missed our target a bit. We'll have to hoof it."

"Throgg angry still," the orc companion said.

Lolegolas sighed and opened his immense bag. He took out a table and unfolded an immaculate sheet to lay atop it. He placed a mug in the center before stepping back to get a better look at his work. He stroked his chin with a thumb while he regarded the table.

"One moment," Lolegolas commented. He bent over and plucked a red wildflower from the ground before resting it in the mug. "OK. Go ahead. Flip it."

Throgg took a deep breath, grasped the edge of the table, and hurled. The table flipped end over end, crashing down on the ground below them.

"Wow," Throgg said. "You're right. I feel so much better now. As if a weight has been lifted."

"Who knows his buddy? Who knows his orcky-poo? Now that we've dispensed with that table-flipping formality, let's move on, shall we?"

Item notes: We don't know the details about the Flippable Table, but it sure does sound exciting.

Phat Loot Phriday brings you the scoop on some of the most ... interesting ... loot in the World of Warcraft, often viewed through the eyes of the stalwart Throgg and indelible Lolegolas. Suggest items you think we should feature by emailing mikeg@wowinsider.com.

Filed under: Phat Loot Phriday

Phat Loot Phriday: Very Manly Leggings

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When last we left our heroes, they began a journey to rescue Miranda. Packing their trusty Impa-- I mean, motorbike, they took off to break through the barrier between world. There are lots of spoilers here.

The crab wasn't playing fair. As the gatekeeper between worlds, the crab guarded the beach into the underworld, the dark mirror of Azeroth where all things were possible. Lolegolas was getting annoyed.

"Fine, then," the crab finally conceded. "I will let you pass through the murky depths into the underworld, where all things are tested, if you can succeed in one final challenge."

Lolegolas snorted. "We are ready! Present your test, my fine seafood."

The crab gestured with a shockingly well-manicured claw. From under the waters, a massive figure strolled toward the group. Lolegolas gasped at the size of the man. He was so muscled that even his biceps seemed to have biceps of his own.

"A wrestling match," the crab quipped. "It's a lot like being on the forums."

"Dunno if I can win this," Throgg said. "I'm not really feeling anger right now so much as ... vague disapproval."

"We'll just have to get you angry," the blood elf said.

"Not sure we can do that," the orc replied. "I'm mostly worried about Miranda."

"Firefly was cancelled to make room for Glen Beck!"

Throgg snarled a bit.

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Filed under: Phat Loot Phriday

Phat Loot Phriday: Simple Hand Crossbow

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When last we left our heroes, they'd hopped in a motorcycle to ride into the sunset -- and take a boat to Pandaria. However, they lack a map and live in a microcosm that represents the overall Blizzard community, so they cannot simply walk into Pandaria. Also, click click click click click click click click ...

"I didn't think Panda-land would be so dark," Throgg commented. His eyes narrowed beneath the ridged line of his immense brow. "I don't mean young person and black jeans dark. I mean like actually hard to see. Did we take the wrong boat?"

The pair walked along a curved, narrow path. Oddly, each side of the path was closed off with walls and vines. They couldn't travel far from the walkway. "Still can't get the bike started. We're hoofing it."

Throgg pursed his lips as he look around. Suddenly, he unlatched the enormous battle-axe from his back and shouted. "To arms! Undead ahead, and they're attacking!"

Lolegolas let loose a battle cry and reached for his bow. With a practiced growl, he grasped where it should have been and pulled out a Simple Hand Crossbow. The blood elf pulled up short immediately. "Wait, what in Metzen's name is this?"

The orc cocked his head to the side. "They make crossbows that small? When did you get that?"

"Is it just me, or do those undead look funny?" Lolegolas said.

"We're not in Pandaria," Throgg said. "We really need to go back the way we came."

Lolegolas sighed as he turned around, ignoring the undead behind them. "This is great. We're losing an entire week to this nonsense."

Throgg blinked as they returned to the boat. "Uh. Where's Spot?"

Phat Loot Phriday brings you the scoop on some of the most ... interesting ... loot in the World of Warcraft, often viewed through the eyes of the stalwart Throgg and indelible Lolegolas. Suggest items you think we should feature by emailing mikeg@wowinsider.com.

Filed under: Phat Loot Phriday

Phat Loot Phriday: Mechano-Hog

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As we now transition to a new chapter of the story, the narrator will take a moment and indulge in literary thievery -- I mean, literary homage. Well, not really literary, since I'm stealing from a different medium, but I've always liked the idea -- and shut up and read it already, OK?

In patch 3.0.1, Blizzard added a new vehicle to Azeroth. While millions of mounts already existed in the game, this new mount was something special. It was a hog. A motorcycle. No sooner had the Mechano-Hog become a reality in the game than thousands of engineers started building them. No individual Mechano-Hog was that big a deal, really. Except for one.

This Mechano-Hog was built by a warlock engineer named Demonalisa. Struggling to make money on a roleplay server, Demonalisa spent most of his time farming materials. That plan worked fairly well for him until he ran afoul of the gem market. The Great Gem Crash of 2010 cost Demonalisa his savings, and he was forced to sell off the Mechano-Hog.

In late 2010, the Mechano-Hog was purchased for Lolegolas by a stalwart orc named Throgg. Throgg felt the two-seater Mechano-Hog would be a great benefit to them in the Battlegrounds. After all, two coordinated fighters doing battle together can very easily turn the tide of victory. It turned out Lolegolas just liked making "vroom" sounds while doing laps of Dalaran.

This Mechano-Hog had the same basic abilities of all the others, but none of that is what's important. What's important are the details like the chewing gum Throgg used to glue the license plate down. Or the "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful" bumper sticker Lolegolas ironically slapped across a fender. Or the extra growler racks Throgg installed to prepare for their trip to Pandaria.

As Lolegolas started the engine and Throgg plopped into the passenger car, neither of them could know how important that Mechano-Hog would be.

Item notes The Mechano-Hog and Mekgineer's Chopper are both still in the game and clearly the most popular ground mounts available by 56%. Source: I made that number up.

Phat Loot Phriday brings you the scoop on some of the most ... interesting ... loot in the World of Warcraft, often viewed through the eyes of the stalwart Throgg and indelible Lolegolas. Suggest items you think we should feature by emailing mikeg@wowinsider.com.

Filed under: WoW Rookie

Phat Loot Phriday: Warrior Tier 14: The Bladinating

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When last we left our heroes, they were discussing the finer points of beer and tea in an experimental post that didn't really work out well. Taking feedback (and several donkey punches to the gut from his editor) seriously, the narrator returns to the ongoing action -- which is to say, getting the dynamically delicious duo toward Pandaria. Just now, they're getting dressed, because this is Lolegolas we're talking about here.

"Stop me if you've heard this one before," Lolegolas said. "What in the name of Metzen's meticulously groomed beard are you wearing?"

Throgg froze in place, paused in the motion of removing his shoulder armor from its plastic hanger. (Lolegolas can't abide wire hangers.) "Uh. Armor? Like you wear in battle?"

"That thing looks like it's from the Gillette school of gearing," the blood elf said. "When in doubt, add more blades."

"It's awkward when I have to scratch," Throgg agreed. "Good for stopping people from ... punching me ... in the shoulder. I guess?"

Lolegolas grunted noncommittally. "What's it called?"

"Tier 14."

"That's it? Tier 14? That's the name that's meant to strike fear into the souls of beer demons?"

"You're being impatient," Throgg commented. "It has a name; I just don't know it yet. So I like to call it Mach 8. Because it has eight blades."

"We're really stuck on the razor analogy here, aren't we?" Lolegolas said.

"We've had enough close shaves already," Throgg replied. "Time to be a little more careful."

Item Note: This preview of Warrior tier 14 brought to us by those ingenious folks over at Wowhead. It's good to be back to the mo'-blades, mo'-betta school of gearing.

Phat Loot Phriday brings you the scoop on some of the most ... interesting ... loot in the World of Warcraft, often viewed through the eyes of the stalwart Throgg and indelible Lolegolas. Suggest items you think we should feature by emailing mikeg@wowinsider.com.

Filed under: Phat Loot Phriday

Phat Loot Phriday: Mad Brewer's Breakfast

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When last we left our heroes, Throgg and Lolegolas had just walked into a bar. While that's a classic setup for a joke, the dazzling duo are in a more laconic mood.

Throgg drummed his fingers on the table top. "No clue what to expect in Pandaria. Never been Jack Black fan."

"They say it has nothing to do with that guy," Lolegolas side, knocking back a drink. "It's full of rich culture and not a single tenacious reference."

"Tea will be nice change of pace," Throgg muttered. "I like green tea. Black tea makes me jittery."

"You get jittery?"

"Yes, orc get jittery." Throgg grunted. "Why're we lingering here, anyway? Where sense of urgency?"

"Something's broken," the blood elf sighed. "Waiting for fix so we can make reference, then we hop off to giant turtle."

Throgg grunted eloquently is agreement. "I will shoulder burden of drinking until then, like noble Horde member I am."

"They call that breakfast in Pandaria," Lolegolas commented. "It's like liquid bread."

"I know," Throgg said. "Can't wait. Carb up, fight lots of bad guys, and save the girl."

Item note: No, really, Mad Brewer's Breakfast. You gotta love it.

Phat Loot Phriday brings you the scoop on some of the most ... interesting ... loot in the World of Warcraft, often viewed through the eyes of the stalwart Throgg and indelible Lolegolas. Suggest items you think we should feature by emailing mikeg@wowinsider.com.

Filed under: Phat Loot Phriday

Phat Loot Phriday: Spring Circlet!

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"By Pond's swiftly approaching expiration date!" Lolegolas gasped. "What are you wearing?"

Throgg blinked mildly at his friend. "Rabbit ears. I ... thought that was obvious. I mean, they're bunny ears. They're not for reception."

Lolegolas licked his lips and nodded slowly. "Noblegarden, huh?"

"It's a Spring Circlet! I'm sexy and I know it," Throgg replied. He clapped his hand together and spun in place. "Wigg ... "

"Stop!" the Gilnean shouted, holding out a hand desperately. "This is a public street. Families. Children. Why don't you two go catch a drink?"

Lolegolas scowled at the druid for a moment, and then nodded at a nearby tavern. A troll and orc had just slipped inside. That's all the testament to the tavern's quality that the hunter needed. "Sounds like a good plan. Druid, you wear the ears."

"Ooh, beer," Throgg said. "This male needs an ale!"

Item note: You get the Spring Circlet from eggs. New to Noblegarden? We've got all the information you need for the holiday.

Phat Loot Phriday brings you the scoop on some of the most ... interesting ... loot in the World of Warcraft, often viewed through the eyes of the stalwart Throgg and indelible Lolegolas. Suggest items you think we should feature by emailing mikeg@wowinsider.com.

Filed under: Phat Loot Phriday

Phat Loot Phriday: Chen's Empty Keg

When last we left our heroes, Chromie aborted their research in Outland by sending them off to somewhere misty and panda-filled. Miranda was kidnapped, no doubt allowing her to serve as MacGuffin and also forcing her to stop giving away narrator secrets. I'm just saying.

"We need stop at bank along way," Throgg said.

The Gilnean peered at Throgg quizzically.

"We're going to the land of beer!" Lolegolas exclaimed. "Throgg and I both have Chen's Empty Keg stashed in the bank. Great chance to fill them."

"I get that," the Gilnean said. "No, actually, I don't -- but whatever. Sometimes Throgg is all 'Rawr, orc smash,' and other times he speaks perfectly normally. What's with that?"

"Sometimes wear gear to make me feel smart," Throgg said. "It's roll play or something."

"Roleplay," Lolegolas expounded. "Like, taking on the role of something you're not."

"So, you two ... roleplay together," the Gilnean said slowly. "And the good speech is roleplay."

"Uh, sometimes," Lolegolas answered. "Look, Throgg and I have been partners in war for a long, long time. We have our own jokes. Just go with it."

"All right," the Gilnean said. "So, beer kegs."

"Not just beer kegs," Throgg said. "Panda beer kegs. From Chen. That's so huge, you don't even know."

Item notes: The remnants of a pre-Cataclysm quest, Chen's Empty Kegs are not currently to be found on Azeroth. You once collected kegs.

Phat Loot Phriday brings you the scoop on some of the most ... interesting ... loot in the World of Warcraft, often viewed through the eyes of the stalwart Throgg and indelible Lolegolas. Suggest items you think we should feature by emailing mikeg@wowinsider.com.

Phat Loot Phriday: Worn Wristwraps

When last we left our heroes, they were idly poking around the Outland. They weren't entirely sure what to do with themselves, desperately in need of something new to get them moving. Nominally, they were tracking down leads on who might have infiltrated the Forsaken. Sounds like it's time for a plot bomb, right?

The four slept under the stars of Outland. Unlike Azeroth's tranquil night sky, the heavens of Hellfire Peninsula glittered beneath an oily stream of ether and energy. It was minutely disturbing to Lolegolas, who muttered about sleeping in shifts and random encounters.

Miranda screamed first, a thick leather cord coiled around her neck. The succubus at the other end hauled back on the whip, dragging the girl from her sleeping bag.

The Gilnean hit the demon not as a human, sliding effortlessly into the shape of an immense bear. A leg like a log struck the succubus in the chest, sending her hurling head over heels backward into the night.

Then the druid took a wide stance and roared. His thick fur bristled, and the single line of his hackles rose like a mohawk down the middle of his back. Throgg bounded from his bedroll, already whirling his immense axe almost like a baton. Its angry blade bit into an imp just a few moments before Lolegolas arrows began flying through the air with a sound like angry bees. Succubus and imps fell quickly to the assault.

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Filed under: Phat Loot Phriday, Mists of Pandaria

Phat Loot Phriday: Fel Reaver's Piston

When last we left our heroes, they'd made the covenant to travel unto the Outland and seek out the fel lords responsible for the corruption in the Forsaken Kingdom. Lolegolas was much pleased to revisit "his" expansion and spent many nights washing his hair in preparation.

"I want to kill the Fel Reaver while we're there," Lolegolas said. "We've not been back to Outland in a while, and that thing has it coming." They rode the road out of the Dark Portal, their mounts shuffling idly on the rocky path.

"Why?" Miranda asked. "It has no good gear. The Fel Reaver's Piston actually comes from Void Reaver. That's a wildly different critter."

"I remember that thing," the Gilnean said. "Darn nice healing trinket."

"Uh, were you around for that?" Lolegolas asked. "I mean, I just ask because the wall was up and all. Didn't see a lot of werewolves fighting Illidan."

Miranda waved the question down frantically. "It's best not to think about these things, OK?"

Throgg grunted and pointed into the distance. "Which way do we go? Horde flight not available for Alliance, and Alliance won't like little elf and me."

Miranda scowled. "Let's try the Alliance. There's been an outhouse backup there for years. Maybe we can use that to our advantage."

"Oh, great," Lolegolas muttered. "Outhouse humor. I'm looking forward to that."

Item note: The Fel Reaver's Piston really was a big deal back in the day. The numbers are small now, of course, but imagine how awesome it would be if it had scaled to current metrics!

Phat Loot Phriday brings you the scoop on some of the most ... interesting ... loot in the World of Warcraft, often viewed through the eyes of the stalwart Throgg and indelible Lolegolas. Suggest items you think we should feature by emailing mikeg@wowinsider.com.

Filed under: Phat Loot Phriday

What every brand new WoW player should know

Last week, we started talking to the brand new players in the game. These are the folks who just installed WoW for the first time. They're so fresh to the game they have to sit through all the cinematics, figure out a username and password, and spend time reading every tooltip as it appears.

While the in-game instructions in WoW are pretty good, there's still some basic context to the whole MMORPG genre that can help out. Let's review some more of the basic assumptions that a new player should know. Setting these expectations can help the starting experience make a lot more sense.

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Filed under: WoW Rookie

Phat Loot Phriday: Tenacious Defender

When last we left our heroes, they had captured Abercrombie only to find out he wasn't really working with Sylvanas. Instead, he was renting val'kyr from a lucrative Rent-A-Val'kyr service, which could really answer all of our prom date issues.

"OK," Miranda said slowly. "Here's what we know. A demon working for the Forsaken is renting out val'kyr. We can't ask Abercrombie any more because Throgg knocked him out."

"Accident," Throgg muttered. "Just trying to jog his memory. Maybe I jog him too hard."

"However, we know that Vari-whatever betrayed Sylvanas," Miranda continued.

"I'd say we could just ask Sylvanas," Lolegolas chimed in, "but it's not like our last attempt went swimmingly."

"What's that?" Miranda replied. "You think that perhaps the Dark Lady of the Undead might hold a grudge against us because you spontaneously turned her into a puppy?"

"It was a cute puppy," Lolegolas said meekly.

"Outland," the Gilnean said quietly. "Dire fiends of that sort are most commonly found there. We storm the castle, so to speak, and start asking around with extreme prejudice."

Miranda scowled. "I suppose."

"What's wrong with Outland?" Throgg asked.

"Nothing, really," Miranda said quietly. "I'm just not supposed to be there."

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Filed under: Phat Loot Phriday

Phat Loot Phriday: Helm of Maddening Whispers

When we last left our heroes, they were giving chase to Abercrombie but took a few moments to make a silly Yak pun or two. Because we couldn't let something like a yak mount go by without at least a few jokes. Because yaks, people. Yaks.

Abercrombie couldn't run any further. He stumbled to the ground just as Throgg descended on him.

"Wait, wait," Throgg said, standing up straight and planting the tip of his sword in the ground. "Not sure if killing you or capturing you. Wait a second for my friends to catch up."

"Why have you people been hounding me?" Abercrombie complained. The mage's voice was surprisingly high-pitched and whiny.

"You sent a series of undead to kill a bunch of people," Throgg replied. "Ah, here they are now."

Abercrombie got to his feet while eyeing the approaching band. "Four against one. This seems like it would go poorly for me in a fair fight."

"So help me," Miranda said quickly, pointing a threatening finger, "if you cackle and say 'That's why it's not a fair fight!' we will just kill you now."

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Filed under: Phat Loot Phriday

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